This Saturday, Oklahoma Magazine is hosting their annual Single in the City Party and Charity Auction. The event starts at 6:00pm at Skyy Bar in Bricktown. Tickets are $25 at the door, and so you can’t complain about the price without feeling like a tool, 100% of all proceeds benefit Make-A-Wish. That means if you go, you’ll help make things like this a reality.
Anyway, why am I telling you all this? Here are four key reasons…
1) I write a “lighted-hearted” column for Oklahoma Magazine each month….and they actually pay me for it. Therefore, I should probably kiss up and publicize the event.
2) I’m not going to lie, I went to last year’s event and it was actually fun. The best part is watching how terrified the single people looked as they were being auctioned. Imagine that feeling. Standing on a stage by yourself with a spotlight on while total strangers bid for a date with you. No wonder Casey Cornett wet his pants last year. Also, the girls up for auction usually bring their single friends for support. When single girls show up to support a friend, that’s usually when they are the most vulnerable.
3) We are giving away four pairs of tickets to the event via Twitter. All you need to do is go to our Twitter page and retweet the following message: “I want to go to @OklahomaMag’s Single in the City. And @JimTraber sucks.” We’ll then select four retweets at random, and if your tweet is chosen, you get a pair of tickets.
4) I get to write about this year’s participants. Nothing is more fun than writing about attractive people with big egos. After the jump, I break down this year’s brave and daring Single in the City field.
Blair Bradley, 26
Engineering Technician, Chesapeake Energy
Suggested Auction Value: $684
First of all, nothing says classy like choosing the sun room of an old Wendy’s for the photoshoot. Wait until you see the pics they took from the old Super Bar. They are nice.
Anyway, in Blair’s bio she claims that “it’s no secret that I’m ridiculously funny.” Yeah, it’s also no secret that girls who think they are ridiculously funny are generally annoying as hell. It’s not the girl’s job to be funny. That falls on the guy, so just keep the jokes to yourself and look hot and wear long black boots and lacy stuff on your arms. That’s your job.
Molly Cariker, 23
President/Owner, Viral Promotions
Suggested Auction Value: $700
The most obvious question here is why Molly is sitting on a table stolen from a Martian spaceship when a nice comfy red couch is behind her. The second most obvious question is what is going on with her hair. I don’t know the answer to the first one, but the second one is easy. She styles her hair like that for attention and so guys won’t look at her, uhm, shoes…or something like that.
Patty Horn, 41
Letter Carrier, United States Postal Service
Suggested Auction Value: 100 books of stamps
Yeah, my mailman is a retired ex-military dude with a ponytail who listens to Glenn Beck on his headphones. How do I request Patty as my letter carrier?
Actually, although having a sultry milf as a mailman would be cool, I’m not so sure I’d like it. It would be more distracting than having a midget butler. Plus, it would be a bit embarrassing when she learns that I subscribe to both Redbook and The Economist. For the pictures, of course.
Kevin Joseph, 24
Account Supervisor, Ackerman McQueen Advertising
Suggested Auction Value: $8
Usually we really make fun of guys like this, but since he works at Ackerman, maybe Kevin can pull a few strings and get us a copy of the “Don’t Lay that Trash on Oklahoma” commercial. It was made by Ackerman back in the late 1980s, so it should be in the archives.
In fact, if someone from Ackerman doesn’t post that video to YouTube soon, I think we may have an “Ackerman – McQueen Dirty Laundry Week” on TLO. Just about every ad agency person in town has worked for them at some point, so we should have plenty of dirt on our town’s biggest “agency of record.” You know, dirt like what’s up with Jason Winkler’s hair, why Jeanette Elliot keeps a cage, matches and ball of yarn in her office, and what’s really going on behind the scenes in those sad Integris Health commercials.
(p.s. – I guess we should note that this guy’s secret favorite movie is “Love, Actually.” He should be banned from all sports bars for the next two years for making that statement).
Josh Litsch, 28
Banker, Prime Bank
Suggested Auction Value: $11
I was having trouble thinking about what to write about this guy, so I went to his Facebook page and noticed his profile pic is an image of him awkwardly holding some strange dead animal by it’s legs over some snow. If you’re a lady, remember that before you bid on him. Also remember that there is something terribly wrong with his right hand.
Mark Rodgers, 40
Jack of all Trades
Suggested Auction Value: $5
I was going to use the picture of Mark Rodgers from his “Single in the City” profile, but why use a boring picture like that when you have better ones that display his athletic prowess for everyone to see.
Anyway, couple of quick questions:
1. I wonder what’s the over/under on how many Jell-O shots Mark buys for the girls at Skyy Bar? I’d say 30.
2. How much do you want to bet that Driver and Running Girl show up at this thing and bid on Mark just so they can corner him and talk about sports? I’d put at least $20 on it.
Lindsay Rubac, 26
Hairstylist, Bella Strada Salon and Spa
Suggested Auction Value: $4,974
I’m being totally serious here. Lindsay is the official hairstylist of The Lost Ogle. Without her amazing haircuts, there’s no way Clark Matthews and I could be as dashingly handsome as we are. She also likes to binge drink, party and eat pounds of sushi. That’s always fun.
However, one thing in her bio caught my eye. Lindsay named “small feet” as her biggest turn off. Hmmn…I guess that probably explains why she never returned any of Chad’s phone calls (ZING!). It also probably explains why she’s always stepping on guys feet when she dances with them at bars and has a life sized cutout of Nenad Krstic in her bedroom.
(Even though she never uses it, you can follow her on Twitter here.)
James Siderias, 36
Suggested Auction Value: $6
In his bio, this is what James said is the worst part about being single:
“Eating and drinking for one. That’s why I do a lot of drive-thrus and box wines.
Hey Einstein, one reason you may be single is because you “do a lot of boxed wines.” Nothing says, “Yeah, I have to get up early so I think I’m going to go home” like Franzia. Seriously, man up and buy a bottle. And while you’re at it, lay off the shoe shine. Girls may be worried that you’re trying to blind them in to dating you.
Simon Simon, 27
Suggested Auction Value: $1
Dear God. Really? Not only is the guy’s name Simon Simon, but he’s a 27 year old entrepreneur who hangs out on Western. Know what that means? Trust Fund!!!
Seriously, I have no clue what this guy does, but I bet if you asked him about his entrepreneurship, he would mention something that included the words “Internet,” “Bar Promotions” and his pal “John Paul Merritt.” He’d then offer to buy you a shot of Jager or something and hope you forgot everything.
p.s.- Knowing my luck, the guy’s probably a scientist developing vaccines for homeless babies or something.
p.s.2 – I really wanted to do a Simon and Simon joke, but didn’t want to show my age.
p.s.3. – The Simon and Simon joke may have included a Hart to Hart reference.
Jacqueline Sit, 29
Reporter, KWTV News 9
Suggested Auction Value: $543
I heard that Oklahoma Magazine originally wanted JiaoJiao Shin to be the Asian news reporter in the auction, but they were worried that she would give the auctioneer a heart attack. Regardless of who they picked, why is it illegal to pay for date with an Asian woman at a massage parlor but okay to pay for a date with one at a bar in Bricktown? Hypocrisy??? Yes it is.
Also, I guess it’s cool that Oklahoma Magazine brought in Andre the Giant’s little brother to take this picture. Next year they should go for a higher, even more awkward angle.
Jane-Ann Stinchcomb, 27
Marketing Assistant, Oklahoma Sports and Orthopedics Institute
Suggested Auction Value: $650
When I look at her picture, all I see are legs and a fake pearl necklace. Take that back, a lot of fake pearl necklaces. Her goal in life is to probably own an oyster farm and star in a ZZ Top video.
Ronnie Underwood, 29
Principal dancer, Oklahoma City Ballet, Entrepreneur
Suggested Auction Value: $3
If you took Thor and made him a ballerina, I guess he would be like this guy. The only difference is that Thor wouldn’t go all Simon Simon on everyone and add the word “Entrepreneur” to his title.
p.s. — This is who Oklahoma Magazine chose as their ballerina for last year’s Single in the City. I think last year’s choice was much much better.
So there you have it, the 2011 Singles for Oklahoma Magazine’s “Single in the City” Charity Auction. Don’t forget to try to win a pair of tickets by retweeting this message. See you Saturday.