Last April, we informed everyone that Christina Fallin-Bacon had filed for an annulment from her husband Matt Bacon. This bit of non-news was news because:
– Christina Fallin is the fashionable daughter of Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin
– The couple had a well-publicized (and expensive) wedding ceremony in Ireland
– Their marriage lasted on 10 months
– It meant the end of Milk on Milk. (Here’s a tribute video a Mole made for them).
According to court records, Christina’s petition for annulment was granted by an Oklahoma judge on May 10. Christina filed the annulment under the grounds that “there exists and did exist between the parties a material fact that was unknown to the Petitioner (Fallin) and known to the Respondent (Fallin) which affects the essential ingredients of the marriage.”
I know the language in these things are pretty standard, but what “material fact” could Matt Bacon have possibly kept hidden? According to their engagement website, they had been seriously dating since 2006. We know the guy had some drug issues in the past, but those were widely reported in the media. If he relapsed or something, you think Christina would have stood by the man she loved and not kicked him to the curb, right?
Sorry, just kidding about that last part.
Anyway, this whole thing got us thinking what secret fact or facts Matt Bacon could have kept secret from Christina, thus altering “the essential ingredients” of their marriage. Here are 10 possibilities:
10. He still likes The Bravery
The Bravery are (or were) the The Nickleback of indie rock. Capitalizing on the post-punk revival of the mid-aughts, their music is about as original as a poster at Hobby Lobby. In fact, I think the Bravery were created when some record executive took all the bad parts from The Killers, Interpol and Strokes and mixed it into a rock band.
9. He never really liked Chanel scarves
One of the best parts of Matt and Christina’s engagement website was this paragraph that chronicled how they met.
When Christina was 19 years old, she went to The Stock Market Crash’s show with her friend J.J. Dabirian. She vividly remembers watching Matt perform on stage; she thought to herself that the singer, Matt, was wild and animated and wondered how any girl could date a guy like that. After his performance, Matt later strolls over and asks J.J. to introduce him to Christina. Matt can still recall what Christina was wearing that night as he was fascinated by her Chanel scarf. They exchanged a few words with subtle, shy smiles in between and parted ways. It wasn’t too much long after that Matt began to show up at Christina’s hangout. Matt walked up to Christina on one of the nights and said “when you decide to break up with your boyfriend, give me a call” as he slipped her his number. Christina was confused by his forwardness and arrogance, but eventually became impressed by it. They exchanged texts for a week and she quickly broke up with her boyfriend and started dating Matt… and the rest is history!
Remember when you took the ACT and everyone said you first instinct is usually correct? Well, I guess you can say the same for marriage. If your first thought is “How could any girl date a guy a like,” you probably shouldn’t end up marrying that guy. Just saying.
Also, according to Christina, Matt was “fascinated” by her Chanel scarf the night they met. I hate to break this to Christina and all the other naïve 19 to 24-year-old girls out there, but sometimes men just act interested in things to improve their chances of hooking up with you. For example, if I was talking to some girl at the State Fair and she was wearing a Tasmanian Devil necklace, I’d probably act like I was fascinated by it, too. Then I’d drink more to make her pretty.
8. He is not an eccentric sushi chef
According to the Ogle Mole Network, Christina Fallin is now allegedly dating the guy pictured above. His name is Eric Smith. He is the head chef of that weird little sushi place The Pachinko Parlor. I heard they met at a party when he told her “when you decide to get an annulment from your husband, give me a call!”
Okay, that’s not true. I bet they actually met at his restaurant. He probably saw Christina alone in the corner and sent her some free sushi…and more free sushi…and more free sushi…and more free sushi…and then some edamame. Seriously, outside of being a blogger, that may be the most ingenious way for a guy with glasses to bag chicks that are out of his league. Just make her a bunch of free sushi.
7. He is a not registered Republican
According to OklahomaData.com, some goofy website operate by Mike Reynolds, Matt Bacon is a registered
Democrat independent. For a family of Kool-Aid-drinking Chamber of Commerce Republicans, that was probably a deal breaker.
6. He is not that talented of a musician
I actually remember Matt from his days in the Stock Market Crash. They were a decent band. But Milk on Milk? Yikes. At least they gave us a good laugh.
5. He likes to swim in cold water
And the Fallin’s like to swim in hot water.
4. He was getting tired of wearing skinny jeans
I can imagine the conversation went like this:
Christina: “What are you doing today?”
Matt: “I think I’m going to head over to Old Navy and get some new jeans.”
Christina: “Uhm, what?”
Matt: “You know, get some new jeans. They’re having a sale.”
Christina: “What about the pair I got you from Urban Outfitters?
Matt: “Yeah, about that. Those jeans are just really tight and I’m getting older and…”
Christina: “You’re not going to wear the skinny jeans??!!!!”
Matt: “I think I’m done with them.”
Christina: “That’s it. I want an annulment!”
3. He stopped drinking PBR
This would violate the Hipster Compact the couple signed while listening to bootlegs of the 2009 Coachella Festival. It would be the equivalent of some trailer park girl discovering her common law husband doesn’t like Busch Light, only worse.
2. He didn’t “get” Garden State.
I didn’t really “get” the movie either. Why have Natalie Portman in a film if she’s not going to be super hot? Also, I never understood Scrubs or Arrested Development either. But let me tell you, nothing’s funnier than the show on CBS with the fat people. That’s good comedy.
1. He doesn’t have a trust fund
I’ll admit it. I was surprised when I learned that Matt wasn’t a trust fund baby. He had all the typical attributes. He was engaged to the Governor’s daughter, enjoyed fashion and owned his own oil and gas company. Hell, Christina was probably surprised, too! She probably figured they would semi-retire upon marriage and create their own small little sushi house.
Anyway, those are 10 possible secrets I came up with. If you have any to share, let us know in the comments.