As the nightmarish possibility of a Fourth Reich under the rule of Donald Trump becomes less and less a joke, many American voters are looking for someone to step up and take charge, stand tall against the mainstream, and make America a great place again… for caged tigers.
Yes, in what could be the greatest thing of all time, Oklahoma’s favorite musician, model and animal rights violator Joe Exotic, a.k.a. The Tiger King, has a 1pm press conference scheduled today in Ohio to announce his candidacy for President of the United States.
Here’s his press release:
For Immediate Release
Date: Monday November 23rd
Location: Hyatt Regency Hotel First Floor
350 N High St, Columbus, OH 43215
Purpose: To announce that paperwork has been mailed certified to enter into the race of President, to address the Ohio people about their tax money being used in a monopoly pushed through by Governor Kasich, Senator Balderson. To support the people of Ohio that is being raided with swat teams for this monopoly, and to release my press Statement to the people of Ohio and of America. It is time the people who built this country with blood, sweat and tears has a voice.
Hope to see you there.
Joe Exotic for the People of America.
This is amazing. If I could vote Joe Exotic for President three times, I would. He has all the qualities I look for in a Commander in Chief. He’s tough, won’t back down from anyone, and can really sing…
That’s not the only thing that draws me to the Tiger King. He also owns a liger, his own brand of condoms, and strongly believes in the everyday American’s right to wear sexy fringe jackets. Check this video out. Not only does Joe take on the criminal bankers of Chase, but he calls a woman, possibly a Chase employee, an “evil bitch” and then comes out against raising the minimum wage in-between telling stories of kids sexting while sitting at the dinner table. Top that, Trump!
I honestly have no idea what the heck is going on, but I am intrigued. Not intrigued enough to follow him and his cadre of never-married middle-aged female-fans to a rally in Ohio, but intrigued enough to put a Tiger King For President campaign sign in my yard.
Some of the details for Joe’s campaign are still up in the air, but if you believe that PETA is the Devil or dream of the day when an exotic animal park owner becomes the most powerful man in the world, stop by the Joe Exotic store and buy some goodies (new products include pure honey and sour cherry balls) to support his campaign. Or better yet, drive to the Paul’s Valley McDonald’s and pay $10 to pet a tiger cub. Every bit helps.
Louis Fowler can’t wait to get his government-issued state-mandated li’l baby tiger. Follow him on Twitter at @LouisFowler.