News You May Have Missed

Over the past fortnight, several stories slipped through the cracks, including the fact that we started using “fortnight” in causal conversation. The Lost Ogle is here to recap some of them in our feature “News You May Have Missed.”

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Mom Still Hasn’t Felt An Earthquake

Noting that they always occur when she’s either sleeping or working in the garden, area mom Linda Peters expressed frustration to her family during Sunday dinner that she still has yet to feel an Oklahoma earthquake.

“Why have I not felt one yet!” she shouted while preparing glazed carrots for her family who were discussing what they were doing the exact moment that Saturday’s 5.1 quake struck.

“I thought we were having one a weeks ago,” she added, “But it was just the city finally removing branches from our yard.”

According to data produced by the Oklahoma Geological Survey, a staggering 57% of Oklahoma mom’s have still not felt a quake.

“Simply put, they’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time,” said OGS spokesman Mark Williams. “But we’re confident they’ll feel one eventually.”

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Report: State Economy Hampers Illegal College Football Recruiting Efforts

Both the Oklahoma Sooners and Oklahoma State Cowboys suffered disappointing returns on National Signing Day, with only a handful of blue-chip high school football prospects choosing to join the Big XII contenders. Several observers and college scouts believe that the downturn in the state’s energy-based economy has limited the schools’ ability to illegally attract top talent.

“Sure, when natural gas and oil was doing great, a kid could visit Norman, get a suitcase full of cash and some premium cocaine in a very great way,” said a source close to the University of Oklahoma who wished to remain anonymous because he was not allowed to talk publicly about this issue. “Now, they can hardly scare up enough for a lap dance and an envelope with fifty $10-bills. Meanwhile, you’ve got schools on the East Coast that are doing dandy. OU and OSU are going to start falling behind.”

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Oklahoma Legislature Observes Presidents’ Day by Recognizing “All 43 Presidents”

To mark today’s celebration of Presidents’ Day, the Oklahoma State House approved a proclamation that “Honored all forty-three legitimate Presidents of the United States,” which was immediately signed by Gov. Mary Fallin.

“We wish to honor and recognize the contributions of every real president of our great nation, and this is the perfect day to do it,” said Rep. John Bennett (R-Sallisaw). “From George Washington to George W. Bush – our latest President – we respect the authority and dignity of the office and everyone who deserves to be there, including Abraham Lincoln, the only legitimate president from Illinois.”

Devon Launches New App to Inform Employees When They Are Laid Off

With the recent and expected departure of workers from local energy companies, Devon Energy announced the beta release of “CannedApp,” a smartphone application that will inform workers exactly when their services are no longer needed.

“The days of mass emails and text messages are done!” shouted Devon Executive Chairman J. Larry Nichols to a cheering throng of stockholders. “With this new app, firing workers moves into the future!”

The App includes not only an alert when a layoff takes place, but also a link to a letter of recommendation, the location of nearby former employees and bars at which to meet them.

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Plaza, Paseo Radicals Agree to Cease-fire

After months of daytime graffiti raids that culminated in an ugly art-gallery brawl at First Friday this past week, leading members of the Plaza District and Paseo militant fronts announced a “cessation of hostilities” as a summit was scheduled.

“We’re artists and they’re hipsters,” said Paseo Defense Union and incense shop owner Twila Newcombe, “so of course we have differences. But the recent violence just underscores the need for mutual respect of our borders.”

Newcombe also denied any involvement by the PDU in placing abstract art at the intersection of NW 16th and Blackwelder.

According to sources, the summit will take place next week at a neutral site, likely a pho restaurant on Classen. Topics to be discussed will be establishing a deculturalized zone between Dove Science Academy and the Jersey Mike’s on NW 23rd, the release of all Gazette reporters currently being held hostage and a joint statement rejecting the lameness of Wayne Coyne.

Badger is TLO’s resident fake news satirist. He’s a native of Green Country, resident of Moore and a Certified Oklahoma History Instructor. He’s not giving up anything for Lent, because Indians like him have given up enough already.