Hey friends! It’s been awhile since I’ve sent Patrick an article because I’m a dad (it’s a great excuse), but something has really stuck in my craw. Recently, there has been a series of Bigfoot sightings around the globe. Although they’re getting mainstream media attention, they are clearly hoaxes, because we all know Sasquatch is an Okie.
For example, just a few days ago this article was written about Bigfoot being spotted in an Indonesian jungle. Yes, it’s true. Indonesia is trying to get in on the Bigfoot action? Check out this video:
Why the hell is it still blurry? Is Zapruder the cinematographer? It’s 2016. Everything is amazing. Your phone can record, edit and even autofocus video.
Anyway, that video is B.S. We all know that Bigfoot resides in Oklahoma. Here are seven places to find him.
1.) Southeast Oklahoma
Squatch, like most people in SE Oklahoma is a dixiecrat. He’s conservative, loves guns, is slightly racist and will be voting for Trump. But he’s just too lazy to change his voter registration from Dem to Rep. Don’t judge him though, he’d still give ya the shirt off his back and has all the Kings of Leon albums.
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2.) Outside of a liquor store
Squatch doesn’t have a job, his hygiene is questionable and he has a bit of a drinking problem. So you can probably find him waiting outside of a liquor store asking for change to buy one of those tiny bottles of whiskey. Do you know how many tiny bottles of liquor a sasquatch has to drink to stop the shakes? A shitload.
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3.) Donating plasma
Remember what I said about his drinking problem? Well, couple that with being unemployed and you have an eight foot tall missing link that needs money. Fun fact, Bigfoot plasma is what is used to make those TVs!
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4.) Any OKC Wal-Mart
Seriously, you’ve probably waited behind him at the self-checkout lane.
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5.) Living at the Governor’s Mansion
I heard he was living in the garage apartment before Christina had to move in there because of some hub-bub about a trailer on the grounds… or something, I dunno.
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6.) On the Thunder Roster
Steven Adams might be my favorite Thunder player. He’s super nice, and really good at basketball. But his ability to grow facial hair makes me believe he might *might* be a Bigfoot Presti convinced to join the team.
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7.) On the Chesapeake Campus
I heard he’s hiding in the beekeeper’s old chambers. Sasquatch loves honey.
They lurk in the woods trying to entice small children with candy. Lately, they’ve taken to wearing clown masks.
I went looking for Bigfoot, and all I found was Sqautch…