TLO’s 2016 Judicial Endorsements

By now, you probably know how you’re voting in the presidential election, all the state questions, and certain local races. At least I hope so. It’s election day. Go wait in line and vote! Here are our endorsements.

Although you’re ready for the water cooler talk voting decisions, I bet you have no clue what you’re going to do when it’s time to vote for judges. I don’t blame you. They’re boring. As a result, Patrick and I have decided to save you some space in your head and tell you how to vote. Listen to me, listen to Patrick, it doesn’t matter – just know that we’ve looked at this from all angles.

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Oklahoma Supreme Court:

James Winchester

Spence: NO

Justice Winchester was appointed by Frank Keating before he moved to DC to become a lobbyist for the banking industry that almost destroyed the world’s economy. While that has nothing to do with Justice Winchester, he did vote to make case records harder to access online, because screw government transparency.

Patrick: YES

I’d say my favorite long-snapper in the history of OU football is current Kansas City Chief James Winchester. Just like Spencer, his snaps were long, hard, accurate and hurt fingers. He also covered punts well. Anyway, I have no clue if this James Winchester is related to the former OU great, but as Barry Switzer says “Once you share a name with a Sooner, you’re always a Sooner.” Just kidding. He never says that. I think that’s a James Winchester quote.

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Douglas Combs

Spence: YES

Doug Combs was the last Justice appointed by Brad Henry. He is left-leaning, but not in a “hug the whales” kinda way. I went to school with his sons, and they were nice… but like me they are from Shawnee, so that’s also kinda shitty.

Patrick: NO

Judge Combs was one of the nine supreme court justices who ruled against TLO in our open records battle against Governor Fallin. I can take that. What I can’t take is that he’s the one judge who “dissented in part” with the other justices and then wrote his own opinion. Basically, he’s the annoying guy in class who always raises his hand to ask a question right before the professor is about to let class out early.

Court of Criminal Appeals:

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Rob Hudson

Spence: YES

The Court of Criminal Appeals is the final stop for criminal cases. And while Judge Hudson was appointed by Mary Fallin, he was instrumental in setting up our state’s first drug court. I probably don’t agree with him politically, but non-violent drug users should get treatment, not jail. Plus, he plays Santa at Crossroads Mall.

Patrick: NO

In good conscience, I can’t endorse any judge crazy enough to wear that monstrosity of goatee. Hey Mark McGwire, that look was popular 20 years ago. Move on.

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Carlene Clancy Smith

Spence: NO

Before getting into law, Ms. Smith was a high school English teacher. We all know teachers are dumb and should be paid less than minimum wage, but Carlene found a way to stay in contact with her former students and get paid like a superintendent! Because of that, I have to say she shouldn’t be retained.

Patrick: YES

First of all, is that necklace made of Combos or Corn Nuts? I can’t tell, but either way, it looks tasty.

I googled Carlene Clancy Smith to learn more about her rulings, and this was one of the top Google image results:

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Granted, so were these…

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Victoria’s Secret Models, Cat Lady and the Old Man from Being John Malkovich? Works for me!

Oklahoma Court of Civil Appeals

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John Fischer

Spence: NO

Judge Fischer was appointed by Brad Henry nearly a decade ago. Normally I would tell you to retain any of my favorite governor’s appointees, but I just can’t on this one. Look at that smirk. I’ll bet he farted in his robe and is about to Dutch Oven the photographer. Is that the kind of judge you want?

Patrick: YES

Who doesn’t like the smell of a good Dutch Oven? Stuart Ostler, that’s who!

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Larry Joplin

Spence: YES

Judge Joplin looks so damn jolly! I’ll bet he enjoys a quiet evening watching Matlock and then clapping his lights off. Here’s the scoop, Larry has been a judge for a long, long time. He doesn’t know anything else. He’s been institutionalized like Brooks from Shawshank Redemption. Remember what happens to Brooks? He got a job working as a sacker at a grocery store. I really need to finish the rest of that movie.

Patrick: NO

Crap, another bad goatee. And to make matters worse, his name is Larry. Guys with that name should be selling carpet – not doing whatever it is that judges do.

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P. Thomas Thornbrugh

Spence: NO

I can’t vote for a man without an upper lip.

Patrick: YES

Neither can I, but I went last and had to pick the other side.

Hey, you made it through the post! I guess judges aren’t that boring, or maybe they are. Who cares! Get out and vote. It’s a beautiful day!