The lobster has been cracked, the steak’s been seared, and the creme brulee blow torched. The last glass of wine was served, and now Valentine’s Day is over. But the passion still rages in my turgid loins, and spills out onto everything I see.
This week, I feel the fetish that only the Lackmeyer’s of the world understand: I’m horny for buildings. That’s right, I’ve been opening up private browser tabs, scouring the darkest recesses of the internet for only the sexiest feats of engineering. I don’t look at Architectural Digest for the articles, and I’m not afraid to admit it.
I’ve compiled a list of the eight buildings in Oklahoma that turn me on the most. Make sure to let me know which ones I’ve left out:
1. The Nipple Church
This is the building that started the whole fascination for me. Like the soft and pale bosom of a reclining lover, it rises from the bottom of a hill on 36th street, coaxing passerby with its sweet slope.
2. Price Tower
This one is unique, a once-in-a-lifetime find. The Price Tower is the only skyscraper ever constructed that was designed by famous architect Frank Lloyd Wright. It’s also sexy as hell. The Wikipedia article describes it as such:
The Price Tower is supported by a central “trunk” of four elevator shafts which are anchored in place by a deep central foundation, as a tree is by its taproot.
I don’t know about you, but that sure is arousing. The Price is Wright with this one!
3. Bermuda Triangle
Is it actually a building? Probably not. But that writhing twist of wet and luridly colored tubes, intertwined together like suspended serpents shimmying in the Oklahoma sky sure does turn me on.
4. City Place Tower
It may not be the biggest building in Oklahoma, but sometimes it’s not the size that matters – it’s what you do with it. This historic skyscraper in downtown OKC sure is a BILF.
5. Gaylord Stadium
Like the splayed legs of a lover, Gaylord Stadium opens its flower for all, welcoming us into a sea of crimson and cream. The action this building has seen is next to none in the state. If those walls could talk…
6. Boston Avenue Methodist Church
One of the foremost examples of Art Deco style architecture in the world, this church will make you want to get down on your knees like a prayer. It also contains a massive pipe organ, which is obviously very desirable.
Gold Dome/Milk Bottle
I’m combining these two buildings under the same entry because of their proximity, and their combined allure makes for a sexy package. The Gold Dome shares a similar bustiness with the Nipple Church, but instead of being smooth, it’s covered in kinky triangles. If you’ve been able to actually read this far, the Milk Bottle speaks for itself.