One of the cool things about being the owner of The Lost Ogle is that I’ve become the world’s foremost expert on weather dongs – those rorschach-inspired images of dicks and dildos that form on radar screens in weather studios throughout the US.
As a result, I get a lot of random people sending me weather dongs on social media. The results are hit and miss. For example, Pork from the Franchise sent me this one earlier today:
— Todd Lisenbee (@ToddOnFranchise) May 1, 2017
On a scale of 1 – 10, I’d give that a 2. There are a several issues.
1. The dong isn’t immediately visible. I bet it would even take Dean Blevins a few seconds to find the dong in that one. My rule is that if you have to stare at the weather dong too long, it’s not a weather dong.
2. The entire graphic is a bit too sharp and jagged for a weather dong. I prefer mine with softer lines and curves.
3. It didn’t appear in radar or satellite imagery. Weather dongs that form on forecast maps and graphics that show precipitation totals are a dime a dozen. Radar dongs are rare and elusive.
4. It doesn’t have a person in it. The best weather dongs are usually protruding out of a weatherperson’s midsection like a rocket launching in the sky.
That being said, weather dongs don’t have to follow all of these rules. Take, for example, this weather dong that News 9’s Justin Rudicel created earlier today:
See?! That’s nice! The dong is immediately visible, it comes from satellite imagery, and it’s very soft and curvy. The only thing it’s missing is a weatherman, but Rudicel’s commitment to making the dong look circumcised makes up for that.
Anyway, all this got me thinking about some of the best weather dongs we’ve seen on TLO over the years. Here are seven of my favorites…
7. Baxter Springs Dong
Since the formation of this dong, Baxter Springs has changed its town slogan to “Just The Tip.”
6. Gary England Dong
This dong is impressive, but we may need to ask a doc what that orange mass is at the bottom.
5. David Payne’s Shadow Dong
I still don’t understand how or why that dong formed.
4. Cone Dong
As you’ll find out, Damon Lane has an impressive history of creating weather dongs.
3. 3D Weather Dong
Just wait until virtual reality makes it to the KFOR weather studios. Just imagine what the dongs will look like then!
2. The Don Dong
I don’t remember Tropical Storm Dong, but I’m sure Matt Mahler does. Bonus points for the red pubic hairs at the bottom.
1. Flaming Weather Dong
Any weather dong with flames is a winner in my book.
Anyway, what do you think? Are we nuts? Also, if you have any weather dongs, send them our way. We’d love to grade them for you.