Oklahoma is fine. That’s why we wear all those cutesy t-shirts that constantly remind us that it’s the greatest place on earth. But occasionally, through work or pleasure, outside forces compel us to leave the 46th state and go to other places. None of them are as good, of course, but sometimes the intoxicating scent of a new love can convince us that, just maybe, there’s a new home for us that’s better than what we’re used to.
That instinct is terrible. Oklahoma is perfect, and if someone tries to convince you otherwise, they’re probably from Texas. After a few days out-of-town, some old cravings and hankerings will come back to ensure we all return to the land of ONG. Here are 5 of the biggest:
I was in Chicago all weekend, and the city grid is flush with rapid transit rail lines, buses, and bike lanes. Sure, it made it really easy, fast, and cheap for us to travel long distances across the city, but it’s pretty damn un-American. Everybody should drive everywhere all the time in this country. Riding on an elevated train is the same thing as taking a knee during the National Anthem.
In Oklahoma, there’s very little danger of public transportation taking the place of cars, so hop into your SUV that’s barely larger than my apartment, and haul ass down Northwest Expressway! If you can’t afford one, I dunno. I guess you could just die?
If you find yourself at a Mexican restaurant most places north (or even south) of Oklahoma, you’re likely to be disappointed. Sure, there’s some pockets of the country with terrific tacos, but none of them have free queso. You know: that warm, creamy, globular cheese that we use to fill up on for free so we can take our entree home for leftovers. If you ask for queso outside of Oklahoma, they will either look at you like you’re a crazy person, or charge you $5.
It sucks going to a major city that is packed with major museums that showcase international art, science, and history. Pablo Picasso was an asshole who couldn’t tell his paintbrush from a Crayola. We’ve got a museum for cowboys here, who are the only true heroes. It’s so good to come home to a place where jokers like Jackson Pollock are treated like nobody clowns.
Everybody knows Oklahoma has some severe problems with education. But if you were here from out-of-town on a Saturday, you’d have no idea, because everybody is wearing OU or OSU gear. Sure, we have the Thunder to root for, but it’s way better to get really emotionally invested in sports played by very young people who should really be studying for a geometry exam and worried about paying back their student loans.
I wonder how much money airlines make from Oklahomans checking extra bags when we’re flying outta here. When you come from a place with weird and crazy weather, it’s hard to pack when going to another place. The forecast says 70 and sunny, sure, but does that mean you need to pack a swim suit or a hail-proof suit or what? There’s so much anxiety in putting together the perfect suitcase.
In Oklahoma, we just know that the weather would be a hot trash fire every day, so it doesn’t really matter how we dress- it’s just gonna be uncomfortable.
So what are the things you miss about OK when you’re away from home? Let us know in the comments!