Late last week, disgraced former Derplahoman lawmaker Ralph Shortey pleaded guilty to child sex trafficking charges. He faces a minimum 10 years in prison, which seems kind of lenient, you know, considering he was smoking pot with an underage prostitute within 1,000 feet of a church.
To celebrate the occasion, the Moore Police Department released bodycam footage of the night Shortey was busted in a southside hotel room with a 17-year-old male prostitute. The name of the video should be American Hypocrite: The Fall of Ralph Shortey. If you’re a fan of things like irony, schadenfreude, and watching powerful, dishonest, hypocritical creeps see their life falling apart before their eyes, you should check it out.
That’s video #1. Here’s video #2:
The cop who wore the body camera should probably be nominated for an Academy Award or Emmy, because that was some fine art. Whether intentional or not, the way he captured the “Wow. My life is totally fucked” expression on Shortey’s face when the door opened was brilliant. Poor lighting aside, Roman Polanski couldn’t have done it any better!
We should also give Shortey props for his wardrobe selection. Considering he’s a massive hypocrite, he found the perfect shirt to wear when meeting a 17-year-old male prostitute in a motel room:
No, Ephesians 5:22 isn’t a new sandwich at City Bite’s. Naturally, it’s a biblical verse about how wives should be submissive to their husbands:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
I’m a bit slow when it comes to Christian humor, but I think that may be some sort of churchy play on the “Cool Story Babe, Now Go Make Me A Sandwich” t-shirt. If so, that’s actually kind of clever. The Bricktown Hot Dog Cart should rip it off immediately.
While we’re handing out awards, let’s give a nod to the cop for the impromptu screenplay. It was Tarantino’esque, minus the N-word bombs. For example…
“What’s your name?”
“You got an ID, Shortey? Shortey doesn’t sound like a last name to me.”
“It is my last name.”
“Shortey is? And then you growed like 10 feet?!”
I also like when the chatty Moore cop, who should probably be played by Samuel L. Jackson when FX turns this saga into a riveting series, shared these words of wisdom:
Whatever you’re doing, it’s a bad fucking idea… Getting high with a young kid, whatever, is bad idea. No matter if they’re 17 or 20, like, it’s a bad idea. You understand what I’m saying?”
Someone may want to send this cop to talk to Wayne Coyne!
Anyway, now that Shortey has pleaded guilty to child sex trafficking, I guess we’re nearing the final act of this drama – sentencing. Hopefully they have video in the courtroom. The schadenfreude is addicting content.