In case you forgot, Scott Pruitt quietly stepped down as EPA Director last week after 17 long, hard and occasionally difficult months trying to destroy the agency from within.
An honest, hard-working, ethical man who always followed rules and frowned upon entitlement and special treatment for people in power, Pruitt was the highest ranking Oklahoman working in the Trump Administration, and, at least for national news reporters, will be missed.
As a result, Hayley and I thought it would be fun to come up with some other Oklahomans who can fill Pruitt’s shoes, and continue to make Oklahoma and President Trump proud.
1. Michael Brown
This NW Oklahoma native was the Director of FEMA for the Bush administration when Hurricane Katrina hit, which looks about as good on a resume as “43rd President of the United States.” His lack of leadership, ability to generate controversy and experience mismanaging a large federal agency would serve him well in the EPA and Trump administration. In fact, I think he’s already clamoring for the job. – Patrick
2. Joleen Chaney
Joleen Chaney would be the perfect candidate for Trump’s cabinet. She’s sharp. She’s professional. And with her blonde hair and kickass eyebrows, she kind of looks like his daughter, Ivanka. Which I’ve heard is a thing he likes. – Hayley
3. Mary Fallin
Word on the street is that Trump courted Mary Fallin for a spot on the cabinet back in 2016, but for some reason turned her away. I think that Mr. President should give Madam Governor another chance. Like old Scotty Pruitt, Fallin is involved with more oil than the Watonga Fried Cheese Curds stand at the State Fair, so she’d be an excellent leader of the EPA. But that’s not all she could do! If Trump wants the heat of the internet taken off of him for a couple of days, Fallin is excellent at political gaffs and awkward, yet retweetable, photos. – Hayley
4. Frank Keating
Former Oklahoma governor Frank Keating was on the short list to be Vice President or US Attorney General in 2000, but was eliminated during the vetting process when it was revealed he accepted $250,000 in gifts from some wealthy NY banker named Jack Dreyfus. That may have been taboo when an honorable man like George W. Bush was leading the country, but it’s the exact type of controversy Trump looks for in a loyal cabinet member. He’d fill Pruitt’s shoes well. – Patrick
5. This Inflatable Gorilla Advertising Kyle Hill KIA
Now come on! That inflatable gorilla is not a living creature, let alone a human! How in the world could it benefit Trump’s cabinet? Well, it may not be able to make political decisions, create laws that better society or have conversations that enhance diplomatic ties. But at least we can’t say many of Trump’s cabinet members can either. Plus it sure as hell won’t cost $3.5 million in security fees to have an inflatable gorilla on staff. – Hayley
6. The Manager of the Classen IHOP
As much fun as it is to watch members of Trump’s administration drop out of politics quicker than freshmen drop Chem I, the sad truth is that all of this political hoopla is affecting the effectiveness of our government. It’s about time Trump hires someone with leadership and the ability to work under pressure. That’s why I am nominating whoever manages the IHOP on Classen. If you can manage your night crew during the 3:00 AM Sunday morning drunk crowd week after week, you can surely manage to last more than 6 months in the Trump cabinet. – Hayley
7. Carol Hefner
She’s wealthy, loves oil and is a certified wacko bigot lady who despises muslims, blacks and the poor. Basically, she’s the perfect fit for the Trump administration. I bet she and Trump would bond over some homemade copy cat Olive Garden salad dressing. – Patrick