Enjoy the Myriad Gardens carousel at your own risk

I like to think that I’m a very rational person. I have my feet planted firmly on the ground, and I live my life in a very simple way. But I know a thing or two about demons and weird, creepy stuff, so I feel I need to say something about the new Myriad Gardens carousel.

Before I begin, I’d like for you, the reader, to take a moment and just imagine that faint carousel music in your head. Maybe it’s something you associate with carnivals. Maybe it’s something you associate with clowns. Maybe it’s something you associate with a happy childhood memory. Maybe it’s something you associate with the circus-themed episode of your favorite monster-of-the-week show from back in the day. And regardless of what you think of when you hear that music, we, as sane adults, all know it’s bad news.

Sure. Carousels are great for kids and the one thing that Oklahomans love more than ranch dressing is family-friendly environments. But I’d like to take a moment and examine the overall cost of this carousel. Here are the 5 evil entities that will plague the Myriad Gardens thanks to this new carousel.

clown

1. Evil Clowns

This one should go without saying, but no one is consulting me on what goes without saying, and that’s why they’re bringing a carousel to the Myriad Gardens. Sure, not all clowns are evil, or so I’ve been told. But if you had to pick a place for an evil clown to appear in Oklahoma City, it’s not going to be at the Devon Tower, is it. No. It’s going to be at the stupid carousel! So be on the look out for clowns with the sort of smiles that are only possible when you’ve got a demon living inside you. Also, generally speaking, just don’t trust anyone in a clown costume. It’s probably not Pennywise, though Oklahomans like to cover up bad stuff almost as much as the residents of Derry. But you’re always better safe than sorry. It’s also best to avoid any of the drains in the Myriad Gardens now too, just in case.

2. Ghost Kids

I’m sure that proper precautions have been taken with the carousel, and it’s been cleansed of any bad energy that has plagued it. But just in case, you should watch out for weird ghost kids. Generally, most kid ghosts are pretty chill, but if a kid is lingering long enough in this realm to appear to us as a ghost, it’s safe to assume there’s a reason. And while that reason may be to get another ride on the carousel, you don’t want to find out if it’s not. And you know, moving this carousel from one location to the other, in this case from Plaza Mayor to the Myriad Gardens is probably enough to jostle around the ghosts and get them in the sort of state where they want to cause some mischief. So, just keep an eye out for weird ghost kids trying to pull you down to hell every time the carousel makes another revolution around it’s axis.

3. Old-Timey Dolls

Look. Wherever there’s old-timey fun, there’s bound to be some old-timey creepiness. So, you think it’s a great idea to get a carousel and let all the kids ride it. Well, you’re wrong. Because this old-fashioned ride is probably connected to all manner of other creepy old things. The ghost kids that are haunting the carousel are also probably in possession of several old toys. And just imagine picking out the perfect carousel horse only to find that there’s an old porcelain doll sitting on it, dead eyes glaring at you. Don’t act like this won’t happen. Ghost kids are just as bad about losing toys as living kids.

4. A Carousel Horse that Takes You into Another Dimension

Admittedly, I don’t know a lot about how carousels work. I assume there are some motors and cogs and that is how things move and such. But what I do know is this: Carnival rides and attractions are portals to other dimensions. So yeah. They’re fixing up that carousel real nice and making it shiny and clean. But you know what they aren’t checking? To see if sitting on a particular horse will take you to another dimension. Sure, you think you’re just going around and around, but you’re not. You can see your friends on nearby horses, but they’re all misshapen and wrong. And it’s all because you’re now in the Upside Down because you picked a dumb horse.

5. A Legion of Children Who Sacrifice Adults

I saw Children of the Corn a lot when I was growing up. It seemed to always be playing on channel 34, whatever that channel happened to be. And what I learned from that movie is that kids are just trying to take over the world and sacrifice grownups to the demon in the corn. And what a coincidence! There’s no corn at the Myriad Gardens, but I’m sure whatever horticultural demon created that kid society wouldn’t mind chilling in some flowers and prairie grass. So, when locals start bringing their kids to this carousel en masse, it’s only a matter of time before all us adults have been sacrificed.

Marisa watches a lot of horror movies and doesn’t trust any carnival rides. Follow her on Twitter.