I’ve been thinking a lot about heroes lately, which has naturally led to me thinking about villains. Each of them are products of the world they live in and their circumstances, which leads them all to be fairly unique and interesting.
But this got me to thinking. Oklahoma has a lot of heroes — Will Rogers, Woody Guthrie, Tall Paul — But what about our villains that don’t govern the state? Well, sit back and twirl that mustache, Snidely Whiplash! Here are 7 Oklahoma super villains!
1. Truck Nuts
Truck Nuts considers himself the keeper of the collective OKC castration complex. He drives a truck with a lift kit and a short bed, and dangles a set of ridiculously large truck nuts from his trailer hitch. He spends his time overcompensating for what he lacks, and believes women when they tell him it happens to lots of guys. Though he currently flourishes under the Trump Administration, Truck Nuts won’t reign for long. I mean, seriously. Just ask his ex-girlfriend. He can’t do anything for very long. The only way to defeat him is by cutting the nuts off his truck, so his only enemy is some bolt cutters.
2. The Bricktown Canal Kaiju
Every city needs some sort of weird prehistoric monster that dwells in the watery depths. And while OKC doesn’t have Godzilla or Mothra, we have the Bricktown Canal Kaiju. No one is sure what this creature really looks like, because years of drunk people’s detritus have latched onto his flesh like barnacles, making him appear as a sentient, walking pile of car keys and busted iPhones. Though he has never made an appearance, he lurks in the murky deep, waiting for day when some nuclear testing or a fracking earthquake will wake him. Then we’re all in a bunch of trouble.
They arrive in the middle of the night, usually after a summer rain or winter storm, and wreak havoc on unsuspecting motorists who are running late to work, inflicting thousands upon thousands of dollars in damage to automobiles, and the mental health of Oklahoma citizens. Fortunately, national pizza chains are here to greet the menace and save the day.
4. The OKC Twitterati
It’s 2018 and it stands to reason that we’d have a cyber villain in OKC, just as we do in the rest of the world. Only, this cyber villain isn’t one person. It’s the toxic collective of local OKC folks that spend too much damn time on Twitter and get all up in everyone’s business and tell them how to live their lives. There is no topic too mundane or outrage too small, this group is ready to pounce on an unsuspecting tweet at a moment’s notice, while simultaneously being super hypocritical to back their friends.
5. The Gentrifier
Is there no neighborhood safe?! There isn’t. If you have an abandoned warehouse or some cute older houses, The Gentrifier is ready with some startup capital to price you out of your home! One day you’re chilling in an affordable rental, and the next, you’re looking for a new place to live while hip shops that sell things no one needs are popping up all around you. Your employer will never pay you the sort of wage you need to satisfy The Gentrifier, and he won’t rest until we’re all living out of that Motel 6 near I-40 and Meridian.
6. Left Lane
You, an unsuspecting driver are just trying to get to your destination, but Left Lane won’t go faster than 50 MPH in the fast lane on the highway. No matter how much you try to get around her and her 1998 Buick Skylark, Left Lane will ruin your gas mileage and trip time, and make you remember why Sooner Road is always better than I-35.
7. The Lost Ogle
Seriously. We’re the hero that OKC needs right now, and some of y’all act like we’re the bad guy. This must be what Batman felt like all the freakin’ time.
Marisa fully acknowledges that she’s part of the OKC Twitterati. Follow her on Twitter.