8 Essential oil remedies for modern Oklahoma problems

From Edmond moms Facebooking their Doterra and Young Living schemes, to Sprouts and that one weird etsy shop that also peddles human teeth, it seems like everyone is selling essential oils nowadays. And the people who sell it always seem ready to remedy anything you can think of with their smell good stuff. Now we Oklahomans don’t generally understand enough about science to know if these claims about essential oils are true. But lord knows we have a lot of problems that need remedying! So here are 8 essential oils for everyday Oklahoma problems…

Frankincense

An oil known for its calming qualities and that is often used as a part of mindful meditation to bring peace to the racing mind.

Cure: Hangovers.

Frankincense is also great to use when you have a hangover. When you feel close to death after knocking back a few too many Lunchboxes at Edna’s, get your body ready to meet Jesus by dousing it with one of the gifts of the three wise men. No one exactly knows what sins they’ve committed after a night drinking, so maybe smelling like one of his presents will put you back in the Good Lord’s graces.

Lavender

A helpful oil for relaxation and improving the quality of sleep.

Cure: Sleep

Mommy bloggers across the state boast of its ability to make their children snooze with ease after a quick application to the feet. Though the essential oil form of lavender is best for getting children to fall asleep quickly, my own personal research suggests that the lavender flavored gin version is best for adults.

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Grapefruit

A refreshing oil that is apparently most helpful for suppressing the appetite and burning fat.

Cure: Fried rattle snake-induced weight gain.

In fact, one or two drops daily in your water should be more than enough to counteract however many fried critters on a stick you ate at the rattlesnake festival last weekend.

Bergamont

A spicy, citrusy essential oil that is often used in place of deodorant by hardcore essential oil users.

Cure: Social Anxiety

Bergamont is best used for getting out of social activities because nobody is going to keep inviting you to things if you smell like spicy B.O.

Sage

An oil used for centuries by ancient cultures, and the last five years by white women who shop at Whole Foods, as a cleansing and purifying agent.

Cure: Looking like a lawmaker

According to my google-ing, the oil form of sage is also known for alleviating excessive sweating and male pattern baldness. So basically, sage oil is the cure for looking like Representative Ken Wallace.

Patchouli

An oil with an earthy aroma and is apparently best used for relaxation.

Cure: Stress

I couldn’t find a whole lot of information supporting such Edmond mom claims. So I am going to assume that for best results, throw a bottle of patchouli at whoever is annoying you in order to achieve ultimate relief from your daily stressors.

Peppermint

Along with aiding in clearing sinuses when sick, peppermint oil is also known to boost mental clarity and overall brain function.

Cure: Oklahoma Public School Education

I am going to propose each student who graduates from an Oklahoma public school gets a bottle with their diploma to counteract the effects of our education system.

Cinnamon

Not only does it apparently increase blood flow (if you know what I mean), but also the scent acts as an aphrodisiac.

Cure: Sexy time.

Now, I don’t know if these claims are scientifically valid and I’m not paid enough to actually look it up. But if you’re considering sex advice from a blurb on The Lost Ogle, you probably need all the help you can get in the sack.

This is in the satire section for a reason. Do not take any of this seriously or as medical advice. Instead follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek

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8 Responses


  1. Cinnamon is an aphrodisiac? No wonder my wife quit baking me sweet rolls.


  2. Does KY Jelly count as an oil?


  3. Cinnamon is an aphrodisiac? I wonder if the baby boom after the State Fair correlates to the lines at the cinnamon roll stand?


    1. Ask kelly he’d Know !


  4. Shouldn’t petroleum, aka crude oil, be included the the list of essential oils essential to life in Oklahoma?

    Our politics reeks of the stuff.


  5. A little off topic… but you did specially mention Edmond moms, and that does strike a nerve with me. I grew up in Edmond in the 90’s when you could get across town in 10 minutes and there were punk rock shows at the Legion every weekend. I recently went back to finish my degree at UCO and quickly learned Edmond had turned into a Mad Max spin-off. I had never seen so many huge SUVs swerving in and out of lanes while talking on their phones or flat out driving with their heads turned to the backseat talking to kids. Sorry for the rant, but for some reason that really irritates me.


  6. You forgot WD-40. Go to the library and you can find several books on how it can be used. You’ll find them in the non-friction section.


  7. Here are the other oils essential to fix Oklahoma problems:
    1) ‘murrican crude
    Nothing but ‘murrican crude can fix the economic problems of the state, at least according to those in power at the capitol, because Oklahoma economy would be nothing without the whipsaws of the boom-n-bust crude oil economy.
    2) 2-cycle engine oil
    Need to get a good oil mix in your chainsaw if you want to cut down all those blasted red cedar treees that are the scurge of the landscape. Also good for clouding up the air around the lakes with -old 2-cycle boat motors because the air can’t be too clean after reducing coal-fired electric generation with wind power and gas turbines.
    3) PB Blaster
    This penetrating oil (snicker) is needed for replacing rusty suspension parts, mufflers, etc that are broken by driving on the roads of the state battered by heavy trucks hauling oil and wastewater around.
    4) WD-40
    This is needed by the legislators for quieting the “squeaky wheels” of constituents who just want proper funding of education and health care in This Great State(tm). Also, of course, pairs welll with duct tape for fixing anything broken around the house and yard due to the brutal Oklahoma weather.

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