Time capsules are history’s creepiest love letter to the future. For centuries, people over time have sealed their possessions, mementos and person items within a metallic cylinder to be placed into the ground all for people of the future to get a glimpse of a past life. Think of it sort of like cleaning out the closet of an old home and getting lost in nostalgia.
History has come full circle at Dale Public Schools.
School officials unexpectedly discovered a time capsule two years ago, dating back more than 80 years to 1938.
Inside, officials found a first-hand, personal look at what life was like back generations ago.
I imagine the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when they finally unveil the Ark of the Covenant. Sure, you could get some folksy newspaper and letters, or you could get the thing that melts Nazi faces off. I’d vote for the latter.
Anyway, this got us to thinking – what the hell would Oklahomans put in a time capsule now? We thought of a few ideas that might better represent us…
1. Mike Morgan’s sparkly weather ties
These ties were the bat signal for Oklahoma’s shittiest weather updates. It was a sparkle which screamed danger, yet a shine that told you to buckle down in a shelter and not piss off the weather gods.
2. Jim Gallogly OU President Buttons
I like to think of these sort of like the Vote for Nixon buttons now – bad taste yet a great starting joke. This oil baron turned schoolyard idiot can serve as a reminder that Oklahoma has never been shy to making terrible decisions.
3. Skirvin Ghost (or Bed Bugs)
The infamous hotel ghost has had enough of the boring antics of present day people. Call Murray, Aykroyd and Hudson; we have a ghost to capture. This spectral son of a gun can have a laugh at future visitors. If the ghost can’t be caught, simply use bed bugs instead.
4. Gazette’s Best of OKC
This will let people of the future know which local restaurants, nail salons and dentists had the budget to advertise in the Gazette in 2019.
5. 10 Commandments Monument
6. Panhandling Teacher
If we’re putting her sign in the Smithsonian, we should probably put the actual teacher in the time capsule.
7. Crystal Meth
Only the clearest for Oklahoma’s finest! This “glass” will get the rocks off of any brave citizen looking for a future fix and a hell of a good story to tell later. Just tell the cops that 2019 sent you, you bastard!
8. Street Outlaws List
In 50 years, Street Outlaws will probably and sadly be remembered as the most successful TV show to ever be filmed in Oklahoma. We might as well honor it by including it’s contrived for TV purposes list of the fastest street racers in Oklahoma.
9. Truck Nuts
People of the future will probably think they’re license plates!
Laugh or groan, this shit is real. We can coat it on anything we want- Chuck-E-Cheese pizza, enclosed envelops with disease-ridden napkins, or even Mary Fallin T-shirts. It would serve the future right to see the problems we have when people handle diseases and vaccines irresponsibly.