Every time I stumble across some news article or cousin-in-law’s Facebook post involving redneck shenanigans, I am alarmed and impressed by A) the weird phenomena that occur when you mix rednecks, booze, and idle time and B) how close rednecks come to death on a regular basis. In fact like Kryptonians, I am beginning to think rednecks are also some otherworldly race of humanoids not bound by the constraints and laws of the universe like us average people. I think rednecks are actually superheroes of some sort. And here are 7 superpowers Oklahoma rednecks seem to have…
Superhuman agility is generally thought of in terms of super strength, super speed, and all around super-badassedry. However, it can also be used to allude to mental agility. Being that they are generally a product of the Oklahoma public school education system and a childhood filled with second hand smoke and basic cable wrestling, most often Oklahoma rednecks are not considered to be the brightest and the best. But you give them some WD-40 and duct tape and rednecks suddenly have more ingenuity and fluid intelligence than those scientists who saved the crew of Apollo 13 in that movie with Tom Hanks.
Transmutation is the ability to alter matter to create something else. For example, according to centuries of writings by supposed European alchemists, transmutation can turn lead into gold. According to the 2003 anime Fullmetal Alchemist, transmutation can allow alchemists to transform anything into anything, as long as there was an equal mass-to-mass trade between the substances. But according to Oklahoma rednecks, once can use transmutation to transform mayonnaise into anything, including side dishes, main dishes, desserts, hair products, lice killers, nail polish agents, and trinket repair serum. Which makes Oklahoma rednecks the most powerful alchemists.
Invincibility is the ability to withstand any threat of harm and come away unscathed. While many people under the influence of alcohol think they are invincible, alcohol seems to actually make Oklahoma rednecks invincible. How else would you explain the average Oklahoma redneck’s ability to make so many stupid decisions while intoxicated and live to tell the tale? Case and point, last year apparently some drunk guy in Edmond was hanging around the railroad tracks when he was hit by a train that threw him 50 feet away and he still survived. Superman recharges his invincibility with the sun. Iron Man has a suit. Oklahomans have Keystone.
Teleportation is the power to physically transfer oneself to other locations between space and time. I firmly believe that most Oklahoma rednecks have this ability. Why else would nearly every redneck’s weekend consist of Kid Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin 3:16 sleeveless shirts, light washed cutoff jorts, and a cooler full of wine coolers, PBR, and Zima? Because our rednecks aren’t from this timeline.
I’m beginning to think that rednecks have the ability to see into the future. For example, have you ever noticed how rednecks are always stock piling doomsday stuff and weapons “just in case shit hits the fan,” and then Trump was elected? ‘m just saying.
Pyrokinesis is the ability to start and control fires with one’s mind. I don’t know if there’s actually anything psychic about it, but from control burns, to celebratory bonfires, to lighting up their farts or neighbor’s belongings, Oklahoma rednecks’ keenness for and mastery over the flame is unparalleled.
Some superheroes aren’t born with genetic mutations or ever find a chemical vat to fall into, so they never actually develop superhuman abilities. Instead, heroes like Batman and Iron Man are forced to rely on bank accounts to create weaponry that allow them to fight crime. I don’t know if rednecks always have access to money, but you bet your sweet ass they always have access to something Ruger or Spyderco in their cargo shorts.
Hayley’s redneck superpowers are weaponry knowledge and precognition. What are yours? Tell Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek.