The 10 Uber drivers you meet in OKC

There are two reasons I love ride sharing apps, 1. Because as a millennial, I am contractually obligated to use any application that both employs other millennials and confuses the hell out of my grandparents and 2. Because I believe the only consequences of a night of drinking should be a hangover and smaller bank account balance, not a DUI and the risk of putting everyone on the road in danger. Whether to get home safely or avoid having to find parking downtown, I use ride sharing apps a lot. So I can say confidently that these are the 10 Uber/Lyft drivers you meet in OKC.

The silencer

You get in the car. Your only communication with each other is that one time you both looked in the rearview mirror at the same time and made direct eye contact.

The MLM #BossBabe

The first thing you notice is the giant ass “Scentsy” decal on the back windshield above the Uber sticker. Then you get in and experience a wiff of an “Aloha Citrus” scent circle hanging from the rearview mirror. She mumbles about working towards the president’s club or something. Then she makes sure you leave with a free sample of wax, which happens to smell like the cheap perfume your college roommate wore, stapled to a Scentsy Independent Distributor business card, “in case you’re interested.”

The fulltime teacher

Yeah, they try to set aside at least a few nights a week between lawn mowing gigs and volunteer coaching a youth t-ball league to make the rounds for Lyft or Uber. And they always have mini bags of Gold Fish crackers and Gushers for riders in a basket in the floorboard with a carefully placed notecard with cute handwriting reminding you to give 5 stars.

The millennial

The dark circles under their eyes suggest this isn’t the first job they’ve worked today, but that doesn’t stop them from asking about your day and providing kickass bar recommendations.

The other millennial

They somehow find an excuse to pick up their phones from the dock 7 times in a 12-minute ride down Western and are eager to tell you about the podcast they’re going to start one day. It’ll be like Seth Rogan’s, but edgier.

The evangelical

Not only is your driver 1 of approximately 4 people in the entire metro who still listens to the radio. But out of all stations still somehow on the air, they choose House FM, the Christian station. There is also a bible in each of the seat pockets and a plastic Jesus hot glued to the dash. The ride from Big Truck Tacos to Cock-o-the-Walk is more than enough time for them to narrate their testimony. It starts with them spending every Saturday having one-night stands after drinking heavily and ends with them having the opportunity to evangelize with strangers in an Uber. You then realize you are living their testimony, if it was played backwards.

The dude bro

His car smells like Axe Body Spray was used to cover up the smell of a Taco Bell bag having been left to marinate in the hot weather for a couple of days. He does not offer to allow you to change the music from The Octane. And if you happen to have a commute with him that lasts longer than 4 minutes, he will find a way to bring up his opinion of all the girls on Tinder in OKC.

The guy who probably shouldn’t be driving anymore

You are all for the boomer generation embracing technology and ride sharing and all that jazz. But you are not all for being an accessory to a crime when your driver almost hits a pedestrian in the crosswalk who definitely had the right-of-way, but according to your driver “came out of nowhere.”

The try hard

You are addressed as ma’am or sir, have the car door opened for you, are almost required to choose your own music, and then asked how you enjoyed the most recent holiday. Maybe you’re too used to the world treating you like crap, but it starts to feel awkward. So somehow their effort at this point is having the opposite effect on your ride satisfaction than they probably intended.

The life story

They were born outside of Watonga, but moved to Weatherford for college when they got a scholarship for 4-H. But they ended up dropping out freshman year, about 5 years ago, when they failed 3 classes. They then moved to El Reno and got a job at one of the gas stations in town. They worked there for about 3 years and met their girlfriend, who worked for Walmart in the bakery. They then applied for Walmart as a cashier and got it, but found out their girlfriend was cheating on them with the assistant manager. So they put in a transfer for the Walmart “up here in the city,” but none of them were hiring. So they found a job at Sonic, but the pay wasn’t good… long story short they somehow now have 3 kids and new girlfriend. So good for them.

You Lyft me up. Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek