Frontier City wants to put you in a “slightly used” coffin for 30 hours

It would take a helluva lot of money, drugs and effort to get me to go to Frontier City these days. This isn’t a knock on the park as much as it is me being a grown up who doesn’t enjoy experiencing dangerous sensations such as the “Oh God, my balls are now in my chest and my heart is about to burst.”

Just the idea of driving out to Frontier City and spending a few hours watching my friends ride the Diamondback is enough to make me feel physically and emotionally exhausted. Spending a day and a half in a coffin on that property? No thanks.

Via KOCO:

Frontier City amusement park in Oklahoma City is bringing back the 30-hour Coffin Challenge during its Fright Fest.

Six coffin dwellers will be chosen to spend up to 30 hours in a coffin, from 1 p.m. on Saturday Oct. 5 until 7 p.m. Sunday, Oct. 6.

This year, there will only be one winner for the challenge.

According to officials with the park, coffin dwellers must brave the 30 hours in their coffin alone and with no connection to the outside world… well, not exactly alone, some of park’s Fright Fest friends will be lurking about in the darkness.

They’re “bringing back” the coffin challenge? That’s weird, because this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it. Can we get Steve Lackmeyer or some other local historian to verify its existence, and make sure Frontier City isn’t confusing the Coffin Challenge with the State Fair’s old Neo Geo contest?

Even if it was just a simple lock-in where you could ride the Wildcat, watch old western shootouts and solve mysteries with the Scooby Doo gang, spending 30 hours inside Frontier City sounds like an impossible task. I remember when my parents would drop me off for the day and some kid with the kangaroo JNCOs would have a carton of Marlboro Reds and a joint or two smuggled down those 42″ stovepipe denim legs. That sounds like a wild time for 15-year-olds, but after about six hours in the sun and several interactions with security, we the gang of teenagers was ready to go back home. Apparently, the typical amenities are not available for the coffin contest…

Anyone who gets out of their coffin for any reason, with the exception of getting out to participate in the challenges or for the designated bathroom breaks, will be out of the contest, officials said.

I’m trying to think of foods you could get at Frontier City that wouldn’t cause unsettling bowel movements in between the ‘designated bathroom breaks.’ Good luck, contestants.

The park will provide a slightly used coffin, all meals in bed/coffin, designated bathroom breaks, random, terrifying visits by Fright Fest freaks and new elimination challenges/contests that must be performed in order to stay in the challenge.

Maybe we’re burying the lede here, but can we focus on the words “slightly used coffin?” Bury me in whatever you like, whether it be an ornate urn containing my ashes, or even a black plastic Hefty bag. Hell, I’ll be dead, so a slightly or heavily used coffin is fine, because I’m dead and I can’t raise any objections by that point. But there’s no way you could get me to spend 30 hours inside a ‘slightly used coffin’ at a country-fried amusement park.

Well, I’d do it if the money was right…

The winner will be awarded $600 cash, two 2020 Gold Combo Season Passes and a Fright Fest Prize package, including two VIP Haunted House passes.

Nah. Hard nah. Good luck to the coffin competitors, but it ain’t worth the work.