It’s been a while since we’ve written about trust-fund-kid-turned-failed-Oklahoma-politician Mikey Turner.
Mikey first graced our site back when he was a State Rep. and — in response to the marriage equality movement sweeping the country – introduced a bill that would have banned marriage in Oklahoma. Because it would have crippled our state’s thriving marriage, divorce and religion industries, the law never made it out of committee.
Mikey then ran for the 5th Congressional Seat that opened up in 2014 when Skeletor Lankford went to the Senate. Sadly, he finished a disappointing fourth in the Republican primary behind Steve Russell, Patrice Douglass and this tool. For the most part, Mikey’s campaign was uneventful, with the only highlight being our discovery that he picks and eats his own eye boogers. Remember that?
After his poor finish in the primary, Mikey took a couple of years off to enjoy the time-honored Republican tradition of living off his family’s generational wealth, but it looks like he’s getting back into the political arena.
Earlier this year, he was elected Vice Chair of the Oklahoma GOP at the party’s convention in Moore. In this role, he will help find new right-wing political candidates, raise money and make sure the Chairman’s eyes are clear and free of any eye boogers.
So far, it doesn’t look like the gig is going very well. Last week, rumors leaked out that Turner may be resigning. He responded to rumors in the most professional and sincere way possible – by having a meltdown on Facebook:
Wow! He said someone should go fuck themselves? That’s so unprofessional! I expect a scathing rebuke from Mr. Dr. William H. P. “Treys” Savage the III on Non Doc to come up any day now.
Sadly, the strong words had a short shelf-life. A few minutes later, Mikey edited the post to share his feelings on “decorum.”
I couldn’t care less, but is it “Could Care Less” or “Couldn’t Care Less?” I guess it doesn’t matter, because 17 minutes later Mikey edited his post again:
Ah, so Sherlock has determined the rumors of his resignation are being spread by a certain two people. Also, what does he mean by, “I uphold my deals?” Is that some sort of threat? Sadly, we may never know, because five minutes later he edited that language from the post:
What’s up with the flirtatious old school semi-colon wink? Is he trying to find a date? Is the “consequence” meeting up with Mikey and other GOP leaders in a hotel off I-35? Maybe he’ll explain in the edits he made 11 minutes later:
Oh, so now he wants you to text to talk “consequences.” This is starting to sound a bit naughty. I bet his next edit will include his safe word, which I bet is, “Galimaro Sauce.”
Based on the six edits alone, and removal of the wink, I think it’s safe to say Mikey’s not interested in the concert. Also, who in the hell goes to a concert at 6 p.m. on Friday? I bet he was watching the Rock-afire Explosion perform at his nephew’s birthday party.
After all those rounds of edits, and despite being at a concert, Mikey found time to make one more round of edits:
Jesus Christ. What a meltdown. In just about 90 minutes, he goes from telling gossip-spreaders in his own party to go fuck themselves after proffering bullshit, to acting kind and thoughtful and comparing all Democrats to commies in an effort to save face. What a chode! I guess this hypocrite does care about decorum after all. I’m sure his hero would be proud. 😉