Happy Monday, my fellow Oklahomans! We are approximately 400 days away from the next election for the President of the United States. Though we still have over a year until Oklahomans band together to try to prove to the rest of the country that we can’t put more thought behind a ballot than what it takes to mark the “straight party voting” option, candidates such as Beto O’Rourke, Corey Booker, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warran have already made stops to campaign in our state. But everyone knows that if you want to become president, it takes more than having a solid platform and actual plans to better our country to win the election. So here are 8 ways presidential candidates can pander to Oklahomans.
Run off of “family values”
Every politician who has been “successful” in Oklahoma has run off of the belief in the sanctity of “family values.” But by how many politicians have allegedly committed adultery, sexual assault, or neglected to pay child support, I’m guessing it’s okay to just preach the concept of “family values” while basically living out a choose-your-own-adventure erotica.
Name drop Jesus
Oklahoma politicians basically do everything short of listing Jesus as a reference on their resumes. But unfortunately white, blue eyed Jesus didn’t exist so they can’t do that.
But don’t actually follow the teachings of Jesus
Feeding the hungry? Loving your enemies? Giving to the poor? That’s some socialist bullshit.
Name drop Trump
Let’s face it, Trump is popular in Oklahoma, as evidenced by him winning all 77 counties during the 2016 election and hundreds of grandparents across the state hanging his photo right up next to Jesus on the living room wall. So if you truly want to prove your loyalty to Trump, you’re going to have to do more than accept presidential appointments you have no business having or tweet a few dozen ass-kissing posts. To really prove to Oklahomans that you are a follower of Trump, get a tattoo of his face on your lower back. A Trump stamp, if you will.
Be a middle-to-old aged white man
Because Oklahomans are really good at electing them, I guess.
Pretend to be a gun owner
With Constitutional Carry planned to take effect in November, Oklahomans everywhere will soon be able to have the right to conceal carry their weapon with even less governmental oversight and safety regulations than what we barely enjoy now with the bullshit safety theater handgun license requirement. So pander to Oklahomans by talking about your own gun ownership.
If for some reason you think that will be difficult being that you’ve never held a gun, let alone bought one for yourself, you’ve come to the right state. Just plan your next OKC stump speech during a Gun Show weekend at the fairgrounds, and you are a wad of sweaty cash away from being the bona fide owner of a semi-automatic weapon, no training necessary.
Name drop Reagan
Yeah, the commies haven’t been a threat since 1991 and Reagan hasn’t been around in over a decade. As evidenced by their voting record, voters in Oklahoma are raised to honor and cherish the political impact of Ronald Reagan more than the actual teachings of Jesus, so brush up on your Reaganomics.
Prove yourself to be “just like us”
Beto Roark attempted to do this by wearing an OU hat during a visit to Norman and hosting a townhall in a popular Tulsa brewery. However, if you really want to prove to Oklahomans that you are just like us, you’ll need to start rolling up to your townhalls in a manual pickup that blows more smoke up our asses than your promise to live by “traditional values.”
Hayley name drops Reagan and Ruger. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek