7 Libelous Statements About Epic Charter Schools…

Earlier this week, our friends at Epic Charter Schools – the fishy online school district being investigated by multiple law enforcement agencies – filed a libel and slander lawsuit against one of their fiercest critics at the State Capitol, State Senator Ron Sharp. He’s the dandy from Shawnee who kind of looks like Commander Data’s cousin:

Sharp, a Republican, has routinely and publicly criticized the school district for its shady and possibly illegal practices that take money intended for Oklahoma classrooms and – in the form of administrative fees – transfers a portion of that money directly into the pockets of Epic’s founders.

I read the lawsuit Epic filed, and although I’m no copyright attorney who specializes in copyright law, the case seems pretty weak. It was filed by an attorney who indirectly profits from Epic, and it basically looks like Epic is using the courts to bully their critics into silence and, in the process, save a little face and rally support from their cult-worshiping followers.

You can make up your own mind by reading the lawsuit here. In the meantime, I – a well-known practitioner of satire and parody – thought it would be fun to make some libelous, totally untrue statements about the Epic Charter Schools. Hopefully they don’t sue me for them.

1. They Don’t Spend Enough On Local Advertising.

Considering public schools are A) not-for-profit centers of learning and B) always strapped for cash, it used to be a novelty to see, hear or read an advertisement for one on the radio, television, online or even in the newspaper. Epic has broken that door down like the Kool-Aid man entering a living room! Even though Epic is a public school funded by taxpayers, they for some reason spend more money on local media advertising than most car dealerships! In fact, they spend so much on advertising you’d think they have a clear profit motive to enroll new students!

2. The People Who Run The School Look Trustworthy and Reputable. 

Look at those two charming guys. If the whole for-profit…err… not-for-profit public school thing doesn’t work out, they should open a church. It’s a lucrative field, too!

3. Ghost Students Hate Epic Charter School!

Hehe. Just kidding. Ghost students love Epic! In fact, OSBI alleges that ghost students – a.k.a. students who are enrolled in the school but don’t attend, which generates even more money for Epic – helped them illegally embezzle millions in state funds. Ghost students love Epic like teachers love apples!

4. Most Epic Students Graduate On Time.

This statement is about as libelous as they come! According to The Frontier, just 40.2% of Epic’s students graduated on time last year. Compare that to the state average of 84%, and it’s no wonder Epic has to pay parents an $800 bonus to enroll their kids at the school!

5. Shia Labeouf Teaches Drama at Epic.

That’s totally false, but if he did teach, it would probably be at Epic.

6. Law Enforcement Investigations Into The School Are Baseless And Without Merit. 

Seriously, where there is a black, thick plume of smoke, there is rarely — if ever —a fire.

7. All Teachers ♥ Epic!

Some teachers love Epic, especially the ones who spend their days and nights aggressively recruiting both real and ghost students! They make bank! Sadly, some other teachers don’t like Epic so much, as they’ve sued the district, claiming they were fired for being honest about students who were not making the grade.

Anyway, I guess if you have any libelous claims about Epic, leave them in the comments.