2019 Rewind: May

Welcome back to our retrospective of another year in Oklahoma, as told through the lens of your favorite local obscure social blog, The Lost Ogle! Before we jump into the futuristic and dystopian year that 2020 will most assuredly turn out to be, let’s take a deep breathe and remember our funniest, wildest, and most popular stories of this year. The news cycle is moving so fast that it’s impossible to remember what happened last week, let alone last month.

Let’s get to it!

OKC is the deadliest city for cyclists in America

Published: May 1, 2019

What We Said: In a metro overrun with people paying more attention to their phones than the road, and who also have a generally hostile attitude towards anyone who is not riding in their SUV, it is genuinely terrifying to ride a bike in Oklahoma City. Every day when I lock the door and carry my bicycle down the stairs, I think about how it might be my last moment on earth.

What We Learned: Apparently nothing, since cars are still constantly running into street poles and buildings and pedestrians and cyclists and other cars, but they’ve got airbags so it’s all good?

Attorney Hand-Delivers Poop-Stained Check To OK Bar Association…

Published: May 14, 2019

What We Said: Did he use a regular check to wipe his ass and pay the fine, or simply go with a soft, double-quilted one? Also, did he scribble the words “Hidey Ho!” across the memo line? That would have been funny.

What We Learned: Wash your goddamn hands every time you use the bathroom, you filthy animals. Most times I’m at a bar or restaurant and see someone leaving without washing, it’s a dude with a $100 haircut like the guy above.

David Payne’s Radar Dong Won Yesterday’s Severe Weather Coverage…

Published: May 21, 2019

What We Said: We’ve shared a lot of severe weather dongs over the years. Although the dong appears to be weakening as it hits a cold front, this could be the best one ever. Not only does it look like God (or Serge Ibaka) appeared on radar and took a gigantic piss on Jones, but I really like David Payne’s gray camouflage weather suit. It matches the News 9 weather map perfectly!

What We Learned: Shrinkage is real. When a cold front meets a warm member, it can make things smaller. But always be advised- even if that storm system doesn’t seem to be a shower, it might be a grower!

Drunk Red Dog Dancer Arrested For Hitting Boss In Face With Billiards Ball

Published: May 16, 2019

What We Said: First of all, if strip clubs fired every stripper who showed up to work intoxicated, there wouldn’t be any strip clubs left in Oklahoma City. Second, give Priola some credit. She has terrific aim! I watched enough drunken fights at Slick Willies in the 1990s to know that hitting a non-stationary target with a billiard ball is more difficult than you think. Having a 50% hit rate is impressive!

What We Learned: I’m not gonna judge anyone for showing up to work on substances, but make sure you can handle that shit and NOT pitch billiard balls at strangers. We’re all adults here.

Emily Sutton Confronts Derplahoman On Facebook. Earns Free Mexican Food For Life.

Published: May 22, 2019

What We Said: Sadly, not everyone was a fan of Emily’s good deed. After her forecast, some old geezer left a Facebook comment to whine and complain about “Mexican language” being spoken on Facebook live. It received instant backlash and appears to have been deleted, but only after being shared all over social media.

What We Learned: 1) Most of the boomers who post on local news social media are cranky racists. 2) Emily Sutton is a beacon of positivity. 3) Don’t be a Richard.