Remember the Founders Bank on May and Northwest Expressway?
It was one of those majestic mid-century tributes to wealth that are now growing scarce since OKC launched another ‘Let’s Just Tear All This Shit Down And Replace It With Bullshit.’
Well, we’ve found out what bullshit is replacing this once cool building. Via OKC Talk:
Convenience store giant OnCue Express is continuing its aggressive expansion in Central Oklahoma with the purchase of a high-profile property.
The company recently purchased the site that was originally home to Founders Bank on N. May Avenue and north of Northwest Expressway.
The property was lasted occupied by Bank of America but when they vacated, the landmark mid-century building was demolished in October 2018.
That’s perfect. There’s already an On-Cue on 63rd & NW Expressway, Blackwelder & NW Expressway, 36th & May, and Hefner & May, so they might as well put one in the center. Plus, there’s nothing more OKC than bulldozing a creative and inspiring structure so a F-350 super cab can gas up on fossil fuels.
In fact, this got me thinking – What are the other historic OKC buildings deserve to be demolished and replaced with a Walmart Super Center-esque gas stations. Here are our thoughts:
The Gold Dome
This is the most obvious spot to put a gas station. The closest place to fuel up is less than a block away, which is way too far when you’re burning 16 MPG. And look at this structure, it’s like a bisected Ferrero Rocher, who needs it? This dumbass building doesn’t even have chicken strips inside.
The Mos Eisley of the OKC coin-operated car wash scene, Star Wash has been a preferred destination for southside junkies, prostitutes and nerf herders for generations. Naturally, we should blow it up like Alderaan and replace it with an On-Cue.
The 7-11 at 23rd and Penn
Although it is one of the most visited locations in the area, this 7-11 is one of the most nightmarish places to find yourself in the metro. Every other day, there’s a news report about someone throwing rocks at cars near this general area, which exclusively consists of chain fried chicken fast food restaurants. Burn the 7-11 to the ground and put in a glistening clean gas station with a milk shake machine.
This place is in such disrepair that our current Governor refuses to live there. Might as well put something useful in its place.
The Nipple Church
The status of the House of the Holy Titty has been in flux for a while now. Although it seems like for the time being we’ll get to enjoy the titillation of seeing this mound rising from its hill on 36th Street, it probably won’t last forever. Tear that fucker down so we can scarf down Simple Simon’s pizza. It doesn’t matter if there’s another On Cue like a mile away, the only thing Oklahomans cherish more than churches is places to load up their Jeep Wranglers with that sweet, sweet fossil fuel.
The Devon Tower
We all know how the oil and gas industry works out, and eventually Devon will run out of money and panic and need to divest all of their funds. At the same time, people who live or frequent downtown have spent years BEGGING for something resembling a grocery store. The Devon Tower has been up for about eight years now, which is enough to classify it as a historical landmark in Oklahoma City. Let’s smash that skyscraper to the ground and put 60 gas pumps into the space.
The Overholser Mansion
This would really be the most ideal place to install an On Cue. The old-money Lexus crowd that lives in the neighborhood are the people who most desire a massive, spread-out gas station where there are very few opportunities to come in contact with mutants who make less than $750,000 a year. If developers truly want to pursue the idea that history means nothing and location is everything, bring the wrecking ball to this giant hall of wealth and smash that shit to the ground so we can put up a few acreages of fuel pumps and Doritos.
This list could go on forever and ever, so let us know in the comments which dumb old structures need to be demolished for more gas stations. While we’re at it, fuck these monsters who are concerned with demolishing historic structures in exchange for getting the easy money from vampiric corporations. If hell exists, I hope these developers spend their eternity in a brightly-lit fluorescent room made of concrete and plastic.