TLO guide to navigating a coronavirus quarantine!

Man oh man, the local media circuit has been buzzing like crazy about the novel coronavirus. All of this attention and fear mongering has made it seem like anyone is in danger of being quarantined against their will to prevent the virus from spreading…including those with no known symptoms or contact with the virus.

Last week, Oral Roberts University defied the Tulsa Health Department’s recommendation by quarantining a student who had recently visited family in China, despite the fact that China is a huge country, the kid reported he had no symptoms and didn’t contact with anyone with the coronavirus. So since it seems like any ole bloke is at risk for being quarantined in this state for little to no reason, we thought we’d make a guide for navigating the process. Here’s what to do if you’re in an Oklahoma quarantine for the coronavirus!

Remain calm

If you are called by a government entity or weirdly entitled Christian University to report for a mandated quarantine, it is very important to REMAIN CALM. I know you’re probably going to be excited to not have to interact with family, coworkers, or any member of the general public for a few days, but don’t rub it in our faces.

Be honest about your symptoms

Because the novel coronavirus is contagious and dangerous, it is important to be honest about your symptoms with medical professionals. Downplaying your symptoms by knocking a few points off of your body temperature or blaming your shortness of breath on your watermelon-flavored (scented?) vape will only put your life, and possibly many other’s lives, in danger. But on the other hand, exaggerating symptoms may be helpful if you want to…

Milk it

Everyone who’s worked in the service industry knows that it’s easier to buy your soul back from the devil than it is to request more than two weekends off in a row. So, you might as well milk your quarantine as long as you can. Because really, you can’t go into work when you are under a mandated quarantine…no matter how short-staffed your manager reminds you work is.

Don’t try to break out

After 4-7 days cooped up in a holding facility eating government cheese, you might be tempted to pull a “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and break out of the joint. But keep in mind, violating a federally-mandated quarantine, like those required by the Center for Disease Control, could hit you with a $100,000 fine or land your ass in jail. Now, violating an ORU-mandated quarantine will probably just hit you with a disappointed scowl from the elders or a permanent spot on the community prayer chain, so do with that information as you will.

Accept ALL the interviews

The local media circuit seems to be so hungry for clickbaity, fear-mongering publications, that they’ll probably publish just about anything related to the coronavirus. If one of the news channels reaches out to interview you about your experience in the quarantine, just do it. You probably aren’t an expert on the novel coronavirus, but they don’t care. In fact, the more ill-informed you are or ridiculous the statements you give, the better for their ratings. Besides, most Oklahomans don’t get the opportunity to be a TV star unless they’re outrunning the cops for something or another, so make the most of it.

Probably log off of Facebook for a hot minute

Unless you want every mom-petreneur from your hometown spamming your DMs with pitches to sell you the perfect blend of thieves oil to combat the symptoms of the virus, I’d suggest shutting Facebook down while you’re quarantined. If the CDC still doesn’t have all the answers for the treatment and prevention of the coronavirus, I highly doubt your high school classmate Tiffany does either.

 

But live tweet the experience

Counteract the rampant fear mongering by our local media outlets by tweeting fire memes or a selfies of yourself being alive and well in the treatment center, giving two thumbs-up while getting a steroid shot in the left ass-cheek.

 

Get treated

I mean, unless you are being monitored by Oral Roberts University, there is probably a good reason you are under quarantine.

 

Wash your hands. Then follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek