TLO guide to navigating a coronavirus quarantine!

Man oh man, the local media circuit has been buzzing like crazy about the novel coronavirus. All of this attention and fear mongering has made it seem like anyone is in danger of being quarantined against their will to prevent the virus from spreading…including those with no known symptoms or contact with the virus.

Last week, Oral Roberts University defied the Tulsa Health Department’s recommendation by quarantining a student who had recently visited family in China, despite the fact that China is a huge country, the kid reported he had no symptoms and didn’t contact with anyone with the coronavirus. So since it seems like any ole bloke is at risk for being quarantined in this state for little to no reason, we thought we’d make a guide for navigating the process. Here’s what to do if you’re in an Oklahoma quarantine for the coronavirus!

Remain calm

If you are called by a government entity or weirdly entitled Christian University to report for a mandated quarantine, it is very important to REMAIN CALM. I know you’re probably going to be excited to not have to interact with family, coworkers, or any member of the general public for a few days, but don’t rub it in our faces.

Be honest about your symptoms

Because the novel coronavirus is contagious and dangerous, it is important to be honest about your symptoms with medical professionals. Downplaying your symptoms by knocking a few points off of your body temperature or blaming your shortness of breath on your watermelon-flavored (scented?) vape will only put your life, and possibly many other’s lives, in danger. But on the other hand, exaggerating symptoms may be helpful if you want to…

Milk it

Everyone who’s worked in the service industry knows that it’s easier to buy your soul back from the devil than it is to request more than two weekends off in a row. So, you might as well milk your quarantine as long as you can. Because really, you can’t go into work when you are under a mandated quarantine…no matter how short-staffed your manager reminds you work is.

Don’t try to break out

After 4-7 days cooped up in a holding facility eating government cheese, you might be tempted to pull a “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and break out of the joint. But keep in mind, violating a federally-mandated quarantine, like those required by the Center for Disease Control, could hit you with a $100,000 fine or land your ass in jail. Now, violating an ORU-mandated quarantine will probably just hit you with a disappointed scowl from the elders or a permanent spot on the community prayer chain, so do with that information as you will.

Accept ALL the interviews

The local media circuit seems to be so hungry for clickbaity, fear-mongering publications, that they’ll probably publish just about anything related to the coronavirus. If one of the news channels reaches out to interview you about your experience in the quarantine, just do it. You probably aren’t an expert on the novel coronavirus, but they don’t care. In fact, the more ill-informed you are or ridiculous the statements you give, the better for their ratings. Besides, most Oklahomans don’t get the opportunity to be a TV star unless they’re outrunning the cops for something or another, so make the most of it.

Probably log off of Facebook for a hot minute

Unless you want every mom-petreneur from your hometown spamming your DMs with pitches to sell you the perfect blend of thieves oil to combat the symptoms of the virus, I’d suggest shutting Facebook down while you’re quarantined. If the CDC still doesn’t have all the answers for the treatment and prevention of the coronavirus, I highly doubt your high school classmate Tiffany does either.

 

But live tweet the experience

Counteract the rampant fear mongering by our local media outlets by tweeting fire memes or a selfies of yourself being alive and well in the treatment center, giving two thumbs-up while getting a steroid shot in the left ass-cheek.

 

Get treated

I mean, unless you are being monitored by Oral Roberts University, there is probably a good reason you are under quarantine.

 

Wash your hands. Then follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek

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12 Responses


  1. a way to avoid being arrested…… if the cops show up at your door with a warrant for your arrest for something silly like contempt of court, tell the cops you have corona virus. If they do take you to court, tell the judge you have the corona virus


  2. The latest FluView surveillance from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that as of January 18, 2020, there have been 15 million cases of flu, 140,000 hospitalizations, and 8200 deaths in the US this influenza season.

    That’s just in the USA!

    And everyone is freaking out about the Chinese virus? I don’t have any idea why. The common flu that arrives every winter is much more dangerous – and it’s already among us.

    Did you get your flu shot this year? Why not?

    If Oral was still around, he would have driven any sickness out of that lad with good old-fashioned prayer. Does ORU quarantine students who catch the flu?


    1. In this instance you’ve answered your own question. We have a vaccine for influenza. None for corona virus. That’s what makes CV a big deal. Symptoms seem to mimic flu and it also may be airborne, making it very difficult to contain. It has a long incubation period, so you can be infected & contagious without knowing. If you can imagine all the influenza deaths we may have without a flu vaccine, that’s what we’re facing with CV.
      A comparable incident might be the Spanish flu pandemic of 1918. It is estimated that approx 1/3 of the world’s population was infected and somewhere near 3-5% of the population died. That was 1918, when it took a week to travel across the country and most people never left the county in their lifetime. Today both national and international travel are common and we can be in China in less than a day.
      May not be a reason to freak out, but it is a reason to be very concerned.


      1. Standard flu can be passed on to an average of 3-4 people while CV is closer to 14 people. That alone is reason for extreme caution. Just because the kid at ORU didn’t encounter anyone with VISIBLE symptoms, that doesn’t guarantee anything.


    2. Joseph Salk grew vaccines on monkey kidneys in the 50s … AIDS whoops… and … you want an answer…


    3. It seems obvious there are factors to the corona virus that are not being fully shared to the general public. You don’t quarantine a country of 1.4 Billion people without a damned good reason.


  3. medical pass …. hahaha triage is a real thing…. think Stephen king the STAND..
    .
    Baby don’t fear the Reaper…


  4. Joseph Salk grew vaccines on monkey kidneys in the 50s … AIDS whoops… and … you want an answer…


  5. The Corona Virus is all well and good, but I prefer the Dos Equis Virus.

    Just a personal choice, no big whoop one way or the other. You be you, I’ll be me.


    1. I’m going with the Modelo Especial Virus. You made laugh.


  6. Tres Equis … is my medium…. nobody Trumps mother nature…. time for thus, time for thy, time to kiss your ass goodbye…. “creeping death” Metallica


  7. Tres Equis … is my medium…. nobody Trumps mother nature…. time for thus, time for thy, time to kiss your ass goodbye…. “creeping death” Metallica

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