Every time I open Twitter, or receive another KFOR notification on my phone, it seems like another aspect of the world as I have always known it is gone. Over the last 20-odd days, Oklahoma has seen more changes than Reba McEntire’s hair has in her 40+ year career. Not only do Thunder games seem like a relic at this point, but you can’t even stand within 5 feet of another human without worrying about killing someone’s grandma. But that’s not all. In fact, here are the 5 wildest changes in Oklahoma since COVID-19 came to town.
Oklahoma grandmas have stopped asking if we’ve found the right church yet
This is probably the first time in our lives that our grandmothers are guilting us into staying home from church.
Joe Exotic is now our state’s most popular celebrity
Move over Carrie Underwood, Garth Brooks and Sweet Brown. Thanks to the Netflix Tiger King documentary, the title of most famous celebrity in Oklahoma history now belongs to a gay, redneck, swingin’, gun lovin’, drug usin’, animal abusin’, tiger zoo ownin’ convicted felon from Wynnewood.
We now have time to read
Since the Metropolitan Library System provides the e-checkout of books and Amazon Prime is offering free audio book trials I guess to make up for forcing their warehouse employees to create a new epicenter for the pandemic due to the company’s ridiculous working conditions, Oklahomans have more opportunities than ever to sharpen their reading skills! With all this practice, it’s possible for us to bump our state-wide reading capability from 7th to an 8th grade level. I believe in us.
Smaller orgies at the Mathis Brothers Furniture Gallery
Being that the CDC discourages large gatherings and that seems to be the one rule our esteemed governor has decided we should follow, I regret to inform you that until further notice the Mathis Brothers Bimonthly Orgy sponsored by Lady Americana is capped at 10 participants per session. Or so I’ve heard.
We’ve changed our definition of “essential”
According to our government, it is more essential that liquor stores stay open in this state than churches during a pandemic. Who’da thunk it.
Hayley didn’t thunk it. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek