We are officially knee-deep into severe weather season in Oklahoma, which means that it’s time to switch the TV to basic cable and kneel at the alter of local meteorologists for guidance and folksy wisdom for surviving our crazy annual storms. On Wednesday night I tuned on KFOR and heard some interesting descriptions for hail diameter. I mean, grapefruit sized? Pea sized? Softball sized? It’s like meteorologists think we Oklahomans actually eat vegetables or run.
Now, even though these reference points are actual National Weather Service descriptions for hail size (see real chart above), I think it could be updated to be a little more relevant for modern Oklahomans. So here’s 7 arbitrary items Oklahoma meteorologists should use to compare hail size!
Change “Softball” to Truck Nuts
Softball sized hail is approximately 4.5 inches in diameter. You know what else is approximately 4.5 inches in diameter? The “nuts” part of a set of truck nuts.
Change “Teacup” to Skoal Cans
Somebody tell the folks at the National Weather Services that nobody in America has held an actual dainty teacup since Paul Revere threw the commies’ tea in the ocean, or whatever. If you really want us to know just how big 3-inch hail is, tell us Skoal can-sized ice bits are raining from the sky.
Change “Baseball” to That Round Spot in Mike Morgan’s Receding Hairline
For someone who probably hasn’t held a real baseball since the OKC Dodgers were called the 89ers, I think we need an updated frame of reference. Since storm season is already ushered in with a lovely view of Mike Morgan’s dome, he might as well refer to a 2.75-inch hail stone as “bald spot” sized.
Change “Hen Egg” to Chicken Egg
There are two types of Oklahomans. 1). Those who know that quail “hens” and chicken “hens” lay very different sized eggs. 2). Those who have no freaking clue what the hell a “hen” is.
Change “Quarter” to Calf Fries
Nobody carries actually cash or change anymore. But everyone in this state seems to have a story revolving around a calf fry.
Change “Marble” to Joe Exotic’s Bitemark Tattoo
Because it’s not 1942 anymore, “marble” sized hail is a dated reference. Use something more culturally relevant by referring to ¾-inch hail as “Joe Exotic’s bitemark tattoo” sized.
Change “Pea” to Sonic Good Ice
Hail often precedes or accompanies severe and dangerous weather. Unfortunately, Oklahomans have seen enough “truck nut” sized hail in their lifetimes that they often won’t pay attention to reports for something as small as “pea” sized when David Payne is screaming about it on the TV. But you tell Oklahomans that Sonic “good” ice is falling from the sky and you bet your sweet ass they will pay attention to the radar.
Hayley has seen her fair share of “truck nut” sized hail. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek