It feels like we’ve been swimming in the sweat pools of Satan’s armpit for a good month and a half by now, but Sunday kicked off the official first day of summer! Even though the trials and tribulations that have made up 2020 have put a damper on our usual summer celebrations and get-togethers, it doesn’t mean this season is a bust. So while you’re starting to stock up on firecrackers and Bar-S hotdogs for next week’s Fourth of July celebration, take a gander at the list below. Here’s eight 2020-themed cocktail recipes to ring in the Oklahoma summer!
The “Joe Exotic”
This cocktail combines 4 parts Mountain Dew, 1 part tigers blood sno-cone syrup, and 2 parts Montezuma tequila (or any tequila you can find in a plastic bottle, really). The cherry (orange? red?) flavor of the syrup may make it more palatable, but using tequila from a plastic bottle allows the consumer to taste the mistakes they’re about to make. If your Mountain Dew was already chilling in the fridge to begin with, just pour the ingredients of this here beverage in an Eskimo Joe’s cup and get ready to have some kinky sex, lip sync tiger-themed ballads, or acquire an exciting new piercing.
The “Trump Rally”
It’s basically a single shot of genuine Russian vodka in a highball glass. But the glass is either 1/3 full or 2/3 empty, depending how you look at it.
The “Imagine That”
This drink is called the “Imagine That” because the concept sounds awesome and refreshing. It’s a combination of orange juice, ginger ale, and any middle shelf vodka. But in practice, the “Imagine That” cocktail is really a line of 4 vodka shots accompanied with a couple of chasers so that when someone asks you how the night of drinking went, you’ll have to “imagine that.”
This creation honors the first week and a half of the shelter-in-place safer-at-home initiative, when nobody knew how long things would be shut down and alcohol delivery wasn’t yet available to hold together the fabric of our society. The “Quarantine” consists of whatever is left in those random bottles of liquor that friends/old coworkers have left at your house after parties and any standard household beverage in your fridge. Should you mix those last two shots of blue raspberry Svedka with Sprite? Some of your ex-girlfriend’s sunscreen-flavored coconut-flavored Malibu Rum with Country Time lemonade? Or peppermint schnapps with almond milk? The world is your oyster!
The “Kevin Stitt”
The “Kevin Stitt” cocktail is made of 2 parts milk, 2 parts tequila, and 1 part limonchello. Basically, it really tastes like the mixologist didn’t know what the f*ck they were doing when they made it.
The “Joe Diffie”
It feels like a chapter in country music has closed since Joe Diffie left God’s green earth back in March. This concoction is meant to pay homage to the legend and consists of a 6-pack of Coors Original and a flask of Jack. For every tab you pop or sip you steal, pour one out for Joe. It is best served while sitting out on a tailgate.
The “Biker Mary Fallin”
Since leaving office in early 2018, former Governor Mary Fallin has spent her retirement cruising down the cold, hard aisles of Walmart in a motorized scooter and, this year, taking her motorcycle and current husband to Sturgis, America. In honor of this new persona Fallin has reinvented for herself, we have created a cocktail called the “Biker Mary Fallin.” It’s basically your standard “Sidecar,” but substitute the cognac for Jim Beam Red Stag and garnish with Copenhagen snuff.
The “Year of the Bible”
Back in January, Oklahoma Senator Nathan Dahm filed a bill to make 2020 “the year of the Bible” in Oklahoma. If by that, he meant the year of the “books of Exodus and Revelation,” then yes, 2020’s plagues, wildfires, and general apocalyptic vibe definitely make it “the year of the bible.” In honor of this, we have carefully crafted a cocktail after the namesake. It’s made of 2 shots of gin with a splash of blackberry liqueur. The “Year of the Bible” sounds promising, but after a while it’s definitely going to f*ck you up.
Hayley’s poison is the “Year of the Bible.” How ’bout you? Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek