Toodaloo, Tesla! 7 Companies That Should Move To Oklahoma Instead.

Sad news, my friends! Last week it was announced that Tulsa creating a false idol of Elon Musk by painting the bajillionaire’s face on the Giant Golden Driller wasn’t enough to lure Tesla to establish itself in the city. While many Oklahomans are disappointed at the loss of potential job opportunities, I say don’t give up hope yet! In fact, here are 7 other businesses we should try to bring to Oklahoma!

Joel Osteens’ Ministries

Sure, Oklahoma worshippers need another mega-church congregation like we need another 4 years of Stitt in office, but did you see all the jobs, and tax-free revenue, Life Church generates for the state? We’d be foolish not to try to lure the shareholders of another profitable corporation non-profit to Oklahoma. I would tithe big money to witness a turf war waged between Joel Osteen and Craig Groeschel.

Young Living

I know that generally the last thing you want to do in pyramid schemes is cut out the middle man. But if Young Living were to make Oklahoma their headquarters instead of Utah, middle aged moms across the metro would save an average of $47 monthly in interstate shipping charges.

Trump Casino

As evidenced by the dozens of Trump 2016 bumper stickers lining trucks outside of the Hinton Casino last time I went out west, there’s already a market for a Trump Casino/Resort in this state. Oklahoma’s population may be less concentrated than places like New Jersey or New York, but we at least have a high enough concentration of Trump supporters/gamblers to keep the businessman from filing his 5th bankruptcy.

 

In-N-Out

Oklahomans across the metro lost their ever-loving marbles a couple of years ago when someone put up a fake “Coming Soon” sign for an In-N-Out Burger joint on NW Expressway. I’m all for the west coast chain opening up shop in our state. Who knows? Maybe a stiffer competition will force Braums to put their 1/3rd pound combos back on the menu.

 

Sandals Resorts

I mean, you can’t make Foss Lake any worse. Might as well spruce it up with a few complimentary margarita machines and some dude with a limbo stick.

 

WWE

In April, Florida’s Governor Ron DeSantis declared professional wrestling to be an “essential service,” allowing WWE to continue operations and live shows as long as fans were not permitted in the arena. Being that our esteemed state leaders welcomed a theoretically massive presidential campaign event to our state, I would place my novelty WWE World Championship Belt on the line and bet Stitt would let Vince McMahon sell tickets to Monday Night Raw if he were to move it to the Chesapeake Arena.

 

Bo “The Bandit” Darville’s Booze Delivery

Being that alcohol delivery is legal in Oklahoma nowadays, “The Bandit” would make a killing hauling sauce across the state. I wonder how many cases of Anthem’s Arjuna he could fit in the Trans Am?

Hayley knows Burt Reynolds is dead. Third Street in Elk City had a billboard tribute to his life the week after he died in 2018. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek

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13 Responses


  1. The first thing that Tulsa should do post-Tesla is to repaint the Golden Driller to look like its old self – instead of like Michael Myers from the Halloween film franchise. That supposed face of Elon Musk was enough on its own to drive the dude out of town.

    The Cherokee Nation partnered with Hard Rock for its Catoosa casino, so why shouldn’t a tribe partner with Trump for a casino-hotel? Trump is probably even more popular in Oklahoma and its bordering states than rock ‘n roll – at least for the time being. Should Trump become a one-term president, many of his fanboys and girls may pretend to have never heard of him. Tired of so much winning.

    Why would Joel Osteen ever have wanted to locate anywhere besides Tulsa, Oklahoma? Look what it did for Oral Roberts, at least while Oral was alive. (After Oral died everything went to hell, so to speak.) Several other weird televangelists made Tulsa their home as well.


    1. A tribe wouldn’t partner with Trump, because Trump has a history of screwing over Native Americans when it comes to casinos. Just look at his dirty deeds when he was in Atlantic City.


    2. “Why shouldn’t a tribe partner with Trump for a casino-hotel”

      Because they want a casino that will stay open?


    3. When Oral died and arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter looked at him and asked, “Wait, are you THE Oral Roberts?”. Oral humbly acknowledged that he was himself, and St. Peter immediately took him up to meet God.
      Jesus was sitting there next to God and his eyes went wide, “Are you THE Oral Roberts?”
      “Yes, Jesus, I am.”
      Jesus darted a glance over to God, who had been checking his Twitter account. Jesus whispered in his ear, and God rose up off his throne.”
      “You’re Oral Roberts??” he demanded. A thunderbolt or two flashed around his head.
      “Yes, God, I’m am Oral Roberts.”
      “Oh, well listen, Oral, I’ve been having this pain in my shoulder. Could you maybe lay a hand on it or something?”
      Old joke. Sorry.


  2. So Elon told Stitt to pound sh*t?
    Guess the turn down didn’t make the local ‘BREAKING headline news’ like Stitt’s proposition did.
    Either that or I fell asleep before the weather cast.


    1. Tulsa will most likely get the Tesla Semi factory.


      1. Not according to the guy who cuts the checks.
        Semi production will also be in Austin.

        Tesla Semi: the electric semi truck is going to be built in Texas – Electrek
        https://www.google.com/amp/s/electrek.co/2020/07/23/tesla-semi-electric-truck-production-texas/amp/


      2. Not according to the guy who cuts the checks.
        Semi trucks will be made in Austin.
        Tesla Semi: the electric semi truck is going to be built in Texas – Electrek
        https://www.google.com/amp/s/electrek.co/2020/07/23/tesla-semi-electric-truck-production-texas/amp/


  3. Technically, WWE has held Monday Night Raw here during each of the past two years in the month of January at Chesapeake Arena. There were even here this year, before the Coronavirus ruined live entertainment.

    In-N-Out has expanded since expanded to the Houston area since they opened up their production plant in the Dallas Metroplex. They now have a restaurant in Stafford, Texas, which is three hours and 58 minutes from the heart of Big D. By comparison, Oklahoma City is a three hour and 22 minute drive from Dallas. So, literally, In-N-Out no longer has neither a logical, nor reasonable damned excuse to NOT come here anymore.

    As for any other pyramid schemes based in this state, I think that we have more than enough to deal with in PrePaid Legal.


  4. donald wants our drug mfg. moved back to the states. With stitt being a reliable idiot purchaser of donald’s hydroxychloroquine wouldn’t it make sense to move the mfg. of Hydrodonald and clorox to Oklahoma.
    If I’m hearing correctly stitt bought 2 million $ of the future land fill ordinance and didn’t even get any green stamps for us! If stitt can keep shorting everyone on unemployment the state could buy enough hydrodonald to fill Chesapeake Arena or whatever it’s going to be called next year.
    Would 10 million $ of pills get stitt back out of donald’s dog house and back as a reliable bowwow?


    1. During a time in my misspent youth, I worked in a clorox plant in Houston. I can’t stand the smell of bleach to this day.


  5. too·dle-oo
    /ˌto͞odl ˈo͞o/
    exclamationINFORMAL•DATED
    goodbye.
    “we’ll see you later, toodle-oo!”

    spell check much?


  6. Not according to the guy who cuts the checks.
    Semi trucks will be made in Austin.
    Tesla Semi: the electric semi truck is going to be built in Texas – Electrek
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/electrek.co/2020/07/23/tesla-semi-electric-truck-production-texas/amp/

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