OKC man bitten by alligator thing hiding in garden…

Weird question for you. Have you ever found yourself floating in the pool, enjoying the sun, letting your mind wander, and thought – “What would I do if an alligator was in the pool?”

It’s not a serious thought – you know an alligator probably won’t bust through the drains while you’re on a floatie sipping on a cocktail – but just like pretending you scored the game-winning basket or escorted Joleen Chaney to the Rush Springs Watermelon Festival Ball, it’s kind of fun to imagine how you might react in that situation… Right?

Anyway, if you’re a weirdo who was also traumatized by the movie Alligator at a young age, congratulations! You’ll be prepared on the off-chance some guy loses his caiman – a reptilian cousin of alligators – in your neighborhood.


Residents of metro neighborhood upset after alligator-like reptile escapes owner’s care

Residents of a southwest Oklahoma City neighborhood are upset after a small alligator-like reptile escaped its owner.

“Oh, dear god,” Tara Cantwell said… “All of us, for five weeks, had to keep our eye out that every time we went to walk with our families there wasn’t an alligator scurrying across somebody’s yard, coming to snatch your little ankles.”

Holy shit! I’m sure that would have been a fun little thread to watch play out on NextDoor…

It probably would have been followed by something like this:

They do have Next Door on the southside, right? If anyone has any real screenshots about this saga, please send them our way. You can’t re-create the unintentional comedy of that website.

Anyway, the caiman was eventually found hiding in some dude’s flowerbed. Because Oklahoma Man always wants to impress Florida Man, he tried to catch it:

A man eventually found the caiman in a flower bed. Cantwell said the reptile bit him before he was able to catch it…

Authorities with animal control said the man who was bitten didn’t file a report, so they aren’t planning to pursue charges against the reptile’s owner.

That’s bad luck for the caiman. If he would have held out a couple more days, he could have taken advantage of last night’s storms and flooding and navigated his way to the city’s underground drainage system. Down there, he could have grown into a majestic beast and then terrorized the city 10 years later. Way to blow it.

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15 Responses

  1. Antelope Freeway 10 miles.

  2. Where’s Troy Landry when you need him?

  3. Love the way the Karen (actual name LOL) on the “Neighborhoods-Suspicious Activity” screen capture is so ”Leave and don’t come back” empathetic. Don’t blame Karen after all it’s clearly the old “Have you seen my alligator” scam.

    1. Those were fake. I’m too good at making this shit up.

    2. I don’t buy it. A real Oklahoman housefrau woulda pulled her engraved Terry Neece .44 Mag and run the sumbitch off.

      1. Yeah, this Karen ain’t fit fer office.

  4. It’s just a another stunt for some local yokel to push for a Kaiman King series by some low rent, direct to DVD producer to gin up another lurid tale about America’s favorite trailer trash state.

    1. Exactly. What a croc!

  5. I’d rather face down an alligator’s cousin that some other critters that people keep as pets.

    1. “Your dog bite?”
      “Please get him off my porch.”

      1. My neighbors’ dog, who “wouldn’t hurt a flea,” nailed me on my front porch — and was home and running free after two weeks in quarantine.

  6. Okay, friends. I’m here to set the record straight. I am no Karen, but I serve on the HOA Board for the neighborhood where we live. You cannot (probably you can) imagine the absolute shit show this caused for weeks here! Oh. My. God. Plenty of us have laughed ourselves numb over it. We took pictures of a stuffed alligator all over the place. I think maybe, The Lost Ogle, you’ll remember my sense of humor from the sweet, sweet gift I gave you in the spring of 2019 with Meteorological Camouflage. Please, let me know if I need to refresh your memory with the photo. 😉

  7. I kept a caiman about that same size when I was a boy many years ago. They are from South America, and generally have a nastier temperament than alligators. Still have the scar on my finger when I carelessly left my hand dangling in front of it.

  8. This would have made a great Ray Stevens song:

    I hollered, Don’t Look Ethel!
    But it was too late.
    She’d already been caimaned.

  9. This video needs to be linked here:


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