Maybe I’m giving Oklahomans too much credit, but I feel that we’re all smart enough to know when food is, you know, vegan. Be it for its strange colors, otherworldly tastes or the fact that it’s already labeled vegan, it’s quite hard to get fooled. Or, at least, fooled again.
Well, that is unless you are a foolish Oklahoma lawmaker or governor.
Earlier this year, they passed the Oklahoma Meat Consumer Protection Act. Going into effect on November 1, it will require evil vegan food companies like Upton’s Naturals to carry large, obtuse and totally unnecessary warning labels on their products that caution customers that what they are about to buy is presumably plant-based and might not give them cancer, heart attacks, or stroke.
Vegan food makers like Upton’s Naturals found this to be a bit restrictive and unfair, and of course, is now suing the state, claiming the new law is unconstitutional.
Today, Upton’s Naturals and the Plant Based Foods Association (PBFA) teamed up with the Institute for Justice (IJ) to file a federal lawsuit challenging the [Oklahoma Meat Consumer Protection Act] as a violation of the First Amendment.
“Oklahoma is treating safe and healthy plant-based meat alternatives like they are cigarettes,” said IJ Attorney Milad Emam. “This new law won’t tell consumers anything they don’t already know, but it will have a devastating effect on vegan and vegetarian food companies, since their perfectly honest and understandable labels will now be illegal in Oklahoma. This law, which was passed to prevent competition with the meat industry, clearly violates the First Amendment.”
As you are well aware, Oklahoma lawmakers specialize in creating unconstitutional laws, so you have to assume these vegan food makers who want to trick us all into eating healthier and more nutritious food products may have a case here.
That being said, what this lawsuit really got me thinking was – what other Oklahoma foods could use a warning label?! You know, in case you were to actually digest them and live a few extra accidental years. Foods like:
Warning: Okra Must Be Coated in Bread and Deep Fried!
Okra is a flowering plant that is used in many dishes in diverse places such as Ethiopia, Brazil and South Asia. In Oklahoma, however, all okra must be coated in bread crumbs and deep fried, in order to burn out the important nutrients such as its dietary fibers, vitamin C and vitamin K.
Warning: Pecans Must Be Used as a Pie Topping Only!
A species of hickory native to Mexico, the seed or nut has a buttery flavor that is rich in dietary fibers and proteins, as well as iron and B vitamins. But like the criminals that come to this country from across the border, they must be smashed and then placed on top of a pie made mostly of corn starch.
Warning: Iceberg Lettuce Must Be Accompanied by Ranch!
Though dietitians will often tell us that iceberg lettuce is the least healthy of leafy green vegetables, Oklahomans have countered that by adding the buttermilk-based dressing known as ranch to cover up the typically nauseatingly empty taste. (Can also be used with fried mushrooms and fried mozzarella.)
Warning: Onions for Burger Use Only!
A relative to the pizza-friendly taste of garlic or potato chip additives like chives, the onion is a noxious bulb-like plant that is only truly edible when combined with ground beef and fried, mainly to increase the width and girth of the burger.
Warning: A Steak Under 64 Oz. May Cause Liberalism!
Beef is the main staple of the Oklahoman’s diet, with any cut less than 64 oz. typically eaten by those that are classified as unpatriotic, including Antifa, Black Lives Matter and most homosexuals. Avoid smaller cuts of beef with caution and report those to the Oklahoma Beef Council for re-education when they push it away. If they ask for a vegan option, shoot on sight.
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