Last week, The Frontier published the names of all the people, both real and fake, that have volunteered to join Canadian County Sheriff Chris West’s secret police force that he’s calling a volunteer “Posse.”
If you remember correctly, the Posse was created to provide a “rapid response force” of citizens who could be called upon “in a minute notice” to protect Oklahoman’s from any threat, including the vagabond gangs of “anarchists, thugs and self-identified Marxists” that are plaguing the Oklahoma countryside.
The list of volunteers contains your typical mix group of quixotic folks who love firearms, have a background in law enforcement or the military, and spent too much time in shop class in high school. It’s an interesting list to look at, especially if you want to know who’s going to help guard the Liberal Detention Centers during the next Civil War.
Although the list of volunteers is an interesting thing to scroll through, we’ve actually gotten our hands-on something juicer – the “secret” test all volunteers must pass for admittance into the program!
Check it out:
Physical/Agility Test
Members of the Canadian County Posse are an elite force, which is why candidates must pass a rigorous physical and agility test. Candidates must meet the following criteria in order to join the posse:
• Walk from the far end of the Walmart parking lot to the entrance without complaint.
• Fill a 40-quart cooler with 55 can of Keystone, Coors Light or MGD in 3 minutes or less
• Stand during the entire National Anthem without getting light-headed
• Carry three full plates from a buffet without dropping anything
• Climb and scale a 5-foot chain-link fence without having a heart attack
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Mental Test
Folks in the Canadian County Posse have to be as mentally agile as they are physical. Call it street smarts, call it fluid intelligence. Either way, mental requirements of the troupe include the abilities to:
• Fashion a weapon from nothing but a Homeland sack full of empty beer cans, a coat hanger, and a lighter.
• Stay calm, cool, and collected when the accuracy of your pro-Trump meme is called out on Facebook. At least until you find another meme to back it up.
• The ability to speak fluent “Mexican.”
• Logically deduce someone’s political party registration based on their automobile.
General Knowledge Test
Once candidates have proved their mental ability, they must study for the General Knowledge Test. The General Knowledge Inventory consists of items that evaluate a candidate’s understanding of everything from survival skills to Oklahoma laws. Candidates must put their study skills to use to meet the educational requirements for the Posse, which consists of:
• Recite the lyrics of Hank Williams Jr.’s “A Country Boy Can Survive” from memory.
• Name every Fox News primetime host
• Watched no fewer than 4 seasons of “Survivorman” or a Sheriff West-approved Netflix equivalent.
• Name and describe at least 7 WWE finishing moves executed by any wrestler from the late 90s Attitude Era.
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Skills Test
Knowledge and physical fitness only get candidates so far. Without a special set of skills, the Canadian County Posse would be nothing more than a Liam Neeson-inspired LARP group. In fact, special skills sought by the Canadian County Posse include, but are not limited to the abilities to:
• Draw a firearm from a hip holster and point at target in fewer than 3 seconds without discharging into one’s own foot.
• Oil a semi-automatic without a YouTube tutorial.
• Starch a pair of jeans.
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References
You know what they say: Good people refer good people. Each candidate for the Canadian County Posse must provide at least 2 references from upstanding members of the community who know the applicant well. Qualified individuals who may be listed as references include:
• Any area sheriff or police chief
• ACE Hardware store managers
• Steven Seagal
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Disqualifications
Even if the qualifications above are met, candidates may be disqualified from the application process if they meet any of the following criteria:
• Having been registered as a Democrat in Oklahoma in the last five years. Independents may be approved with three references and/or proof they’ve shared something racist on social media.
• The ability to speak French, due to its association with surrendering.
• Veganism.
• Having protested for anything other than the right to get a haircut or eat at Olive Garden in the last 6 months.
• Being a Lost Ogle Member
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So that’s the criteria, huh? Maybe this posse is a force to be reckoned with, after all. Let us know in the comments if you are qualified to join the Canadian County Posse!
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Hayley does not meet criteria. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here!
Being a Lost Ogle Member? Well shit. Please don’t ell my Mama. She thinks the Lost Ogle is a club trying to find Kelly’s lost two cents.
I know, I know! Let’s all make fun of the very angry religious extremists, incels, and Second Civil War acceclerationists who have buttloads of guns and are making all sorts of very serious plans right out in the open.
Because satire will stop them, by golly, right in their Christerrific tracks. They will see the error of their ways, and they will stop all this nonsense.
Because satire trumps AR-15s every fucking time. Get your firecrackers and your stylish face coverings ready, all you on the left. Practice your chanting, make a placard or two.
You’ll have them on the run in no time.
I favor ridiculing the willfully ignorant. You can’t reason with them, but public shaming does have a deterrent effect.
Widespread ridicule early in his career did indeed deter Hitler from even worse stunts, I’m suppose.
For every one that is making plans out in the open, there are hundreds who are preparing in silence.
it’s not funny and it’s not a joke.
They are genuinely pissed and fed-up with the derision from the left. They don’t have a lot of faith in the government looking out for their rights as they work and pay taxes and try to feed their families.
they don’t have time to march and make signs – they are working 2 jobs and 70 hours a week.
There have been more guns bought and sold (ammo too) in the last 6 months than at any time in history.
It’s a powder keg waiting for a match.
but the writer is correct – they spent a lot of time in shop class, they can only afford cheap beer, they wear jeans (not the kind with sparkles) and they like steak.
…and there’s a shit-ton of them.
You’re so right. I don’t agree with almost anything you write, but you’re so right here.
Sounds like you may be one of “them.”
if you think all preppers are poor trailer-trash
(only afford cheap beer) you are very sadly mistaken
Oh, no, a whole bunch of the elite ones have adopted New Zealand as their bug out country of choice. And then there’s those fools who’ve bought into a missile silo village up somewhere in Kansas. Buttloads of our princes of the land getting places in far west Texas, buying the very most expensive assault weapons and survival gear. (Something strange about moving to a place with little to no water if you’re planning doomsday scenarios, but it gives one a sense of purpose, I guess.)
I’m prepping by setting my hair own fire about twice a day.
I just smoke lots of weed. Astonishing the lowering effect on ones blood pressure.
Thank you but I wasn’t talking about preppers. I was responding to the assumptions made in the article.
“Trailer-trash” that can (afford really expensive beer)?
At least they pay their taxes.
unlike our President?
Tweedledee I’ve got some news just for you. We all pay our taxes. In fact the lower income brackets pay a higher % of their income in various taxes that the upper 18% pay. A lower income individual spends 100% of their income to survive which, by in large, is taxed at a 9% + rate right off the top. Then don’t get started on all the other hidden taxes paid by the lower income individual. It’s a long list.
It’s not all State and Federal. A person pays taxes unless they are homeless and penniless.
As you know very well, he was referring to income taxes – the largest bite for most of us.
Isn’t it odd how someone like the President is a “patriot” for paying sales taxes, payroll taxes etc. that he can’t avoid, but low-income people who pay the same taxes but little income tax are dismissed as “takers”?
if they’re working two jobs 70 hrs a week maybe they should stop voting republican, that’d be a good starting place
One of the better hidden secrets is that we libs actually own guns (yes assault rifles and boxes of stashed ammo) and have had 20 years of the finest instruction by the premier military training school on the planet. Plus have you noticed how when faced with women carrying homemade shields and flip flop clad, baggy short wearing dudes with man buns the body armor wearing, kevlar helmeted, assault rifle toting the Trumpistas usually flee. Additional reading is available online giving great detail of the organizational prowess of the BLM marchers. Intel, medic support, placing vehicles at the head and tail of marchers to deter ramming by vehicles. The Left prefers working this out as adults but don’t for an instant think we’re helpless milquetoast.
Yep, there are some of the left that own guns. However, most of my liberal friends are proud that they don’t own any. I myself don’t much like guns in the hands of people I wouldn’t trust with a Vegematic, which is why I own a couple (guns, not Vegematics).
But I have not seen the footage of guys toting assault rifles fleeing from the folks you mention, other than the 17 year old that shot those two people. The idjits that got shot were chasing him, because that makes sense.
Nice the big thing you’re missing in this picture is that most, as you call them, “Liberals” are not so stupid as to strap their gun around their neck and display their stupidity to the world.
I’m thinking if you kicked their front door in you might find out a weapon works just as well when you don’t brag about the fact you own one.
That is so true, Z. My dad was a highly decorated hero of WWII. He owned guns and occasionally hunted, but he thought guys who were obsessed with them were kind of pathetic.
“Liberal” is so mushy a term anymore, “progressive” even more so. I don’t consider myself either, but I damn sure don’t want to be lumped in with the fucking state teevee crowd.
And what exactly are these morons gonna do? Go shoot up the local Democratic headquarters? Talk about how tough they are to each other? Praise their exalted orange skinned, non taxpaying “leader”? These people are nothing but extremist idiots with too much time on their hands.
If covid hadn’t struck and stopped most political rallies, I think there would have been a whole lot more of them showing up armed to Demo political rallies, just daring anybody to push them a little too far.
Call them morons if you will. In many cases you are correct. But they are very angry morons.
seen pictures of those tubs of goo playing solider, don’t like their chances against the standing army
Over here in Delaware County, the winner of the all-GOP election for county sheriff may not be able to take office because he lacks the required high school diploma. He is a long-time deputy in that office, a job that also requires a high school diploma, so some of his arrests and evidence in criminal cases are now being questioned. Oops…
So may I suggest that Sheriff West add “diploma” to his list of qualifications for his wannabe militia? Minimal literacy would also be a plus.
How about adding some truck nuts to the job description?
A bit of a cheap shot. Amusing, but cheap nonetheless.
Will solar panels get you arrested? Can you get an EV out of your garage?
“…spent too much time in shop class in high school” Is that a bad thing now?
It reminds me a bit of George Bailey’s line “Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you’re talking about… they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community.”
And most of the tax paying as well.
More than Donnie Dump!! Wonder how he’s going to come up with that $421 million he owes in the next 4 years? OH WAIT, Vlad’s on the phone!
And just like Trump, Mr. Potter liked to name his real estate projects after himself.
Warning to Ndfi: You gonna’ play hell tryin’ to coax those ol’ gun toters butts outta’ their Lazy Boys!
Oh, I’d rather they just sit there with their chips and beer, but they do get up, they do show up at rallies. Some of them showed up at the Land Run monument protests. I think you’re playing with fire when you scoff at their willingness, even eagerness, to start mixing it up, to protect what they see as their threatened liberties.
Just go re-read option a’s post and acquaint yourself with someone who sounds like he’s on the edge.
This ain’t no party. This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no fooling around.
“The Mighty Lazy Boy Land Run Monument Militia”…..yeeee hawww!
Did somebody bring Bob Macy’s worthless ass back? What a joke this guy is