Last week, The Frontier published the names of all the people, both real and fake, that have volunteered to join Canadian County Sheriff Chris West’s secret police force that he’s calling a volunteer “Posse.”
If you remember correctly, the Posse was created to provide a “rapid response force” of citizens who could be called upon “in a minute notice” to protect Oklahoman’s from any threat, including the vagabond gangs of “anarchists, thugs and self-identified Marxists” that are plaguing the Oklahoma countryside.
The list of volunteers contains your typical mix group of quixotic folks who love firearms, have a background in law enforcement or the military, and spent too much time in shop class in high school. It’s an interesting list to look at, especially if you want to know who’s going to help guard the Liberal Detention Centers during the next Civil War.
Although the list of volunteers is an interesting thing to scroll through, we’ve actually gotten our hands-on something juicer – the “secret” test all volunteers must pass for admittance into the program!
Check it out:
Members of the Canadian County Posse are an elite force, which is why candidates must pass a rigorous physical and agility test. Candidates must meet the following criteria in order to join the posse:
• Walk from the far end of the Walmart parking lot to the entrance without complaint.
• Fill a 40-quart cooler with 55 can of Keystone, Coors Light or MGD in 3 minutes or less
• Stand during the entire National Anthem without getting light-headed
• Carry three full plates from a buffet without dropping anything
• Climb and scale a 5-foot chain-link fence without having a heart attack
Folks in the Canadian County Posse have to be as mentally agile as they are physical. Call it street smarts, call it fluid intelligence. Either way, mental requirements of the troupe include the abilities to:
• Fashion a weapon from nothing but a Homeland sack full of empty beer cans, a coat hanger, and a lighter.
• Stay calm, cool, and collected when the accuracy of your pro-Trump meme is called out on Facebook. At least until you find another meme to back it up.
• The ability to speak fluent “Mexican.”
• Logically deduce someone’s political party registration based on their automobile.
General Knowledge Test
Once candidates have proved their mental ability, they must study for the General Knowledge Test. The General Knowledge Inventory consists of items that evaluate a candidate’s understanding of everything from survival skills to Oklahoma laws. Candidates must put their study skills to use to meet the educational requirements for the Posse, which consists of:
• Recite the lyrics of Hank Williams Jr.’s “A Country Boy Can Survive” from memory.
• Name every Fox News primetime host
• Watched no fewer than 4 seasons of “Survivorman” or a Sheriff West-approved Netflix equivalent.
• Name and describe at least 7 WWE finishing moves executed by any wrestler from the late 90s Attitude Era.
Knowledge and physical fitness only get candidates so far. Without a special set of skills, the Canadian County Posse would be nothing more than a Liam Neeson-inspired LARP group. In fact, special skills sought by the Canadian County Posse include, but are not limited to the abilities to:
• Draw a firearm from a hip holster and point at target in fewer than 3 seconds without discharging into one’s own foot.
• Oil a semi-automatic without a YouTube tutorial.
• Starch a pair of jeans.
You know what they say: Good people refer good people. Each candidate for the Canadian County Posse must provide at least 2 references from upstanding members of the community who know the applicant well. Qualified individuals who may be listed as references include:
• Any area sheriff or police chief
• ACE Hardware store managers
• Steven Seagal
Even if the qualifications above are met, candidates may be disqualified from the application process if they meet any of the following criteria:
• Having been registered as a Democrat in Oklahoma in the last five years. Independents may be approved with three references and/or proof they’ve shared something racist on social media.
• The ability to speak French, due to its association with surrendering.
• Having protested for anything other than the right to get a haircut or eat at Olive Garden in the last 6 months.
• Being a Lost Ogle Member
So that’s the criteria, huh? Maybe this posse is a force to be reckoned with, after all. Let us know in the comments if you are qualified to join the Canadian County Posse!