Things Oklahomans Desperately Need for the Next Big Catastrophe

With electricity slowly returning to many Oklahoma City homes—I got mine back on Friday, after almost two weeks—I decided to take stock of both my emergency preparedness skills and my disaster supplies, only to sadly realize I had none, as I deftly displayed with this recent irritating ice-storm.

In a year that has been full of one terrible thing after another, from slight weather storms to angry Trumpers prowling the streets crying for the ballots to be recounted, I had to seriously ask myself: “What the Hell am I going to do when the next big catastrophe happens?”

I needed to get somewhat serious. Sure, I could lock myself in my rented room with my pup Sean and ride out the wave of probable terror or I could get somewhat pro-active and gather up the necessary items I basically should already have when the end—whatever end that may be—comes kicking in my door.

I decided on the latter.

Flashlights

This should be obvious, but I had no flashlights in the entire Goddamn house when the lights went out. Sure, I had a few decorative pumpkin spice candles that gave off a small bit of flickering light and made the house smell like a baking pie, but they ran out quickly and, even worse, the decorative glass-holders would burn my fingers when I tried to carry them anywhere.

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Generator

This should be obvious, but when the electricity goes out I feel like I should have had a generator to fire up, selfishly being the only house on the block with a modicum of power as the loud gas-burning motor puffed noxious fumes into the shivering air. I should also admit that, as I went walking to survey the arboreal damage, when I heard those machines chugging away, I would stare into their living room windows like a Dickensian orphan.

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Chainsaw

This should be obvious, but if anything would have come in handy this disaster, it would have been a brand new chainsaw. I could have trimmed my trees as the ice began to form or, at the very least, cut up that fallen ones before they inflict more damage on the house and the wires connected to it. Plus it makes for graphic protection against the transient dudes that rode around my neighborhood, casing houses at three in the morning.

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Driving Manuals

This should be obvious, especially if you have managed to attain a driver’s license in Oklahoma; when the stop-lights in the city go down, so do, apparently, people’s vehicular common sense. The makeshift stop signs at areas like, for example, NW 39th and N. May, were a constant source of four-wheeled follies as people were unsure who was next to move forward, causing all sort of cold weather fender-benders.

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Freeze Dried Food

This should be obvious, because as I was throwing out various Lean Cuisines and other healthy meals, I quickly realized I was left with only a few tins of tuna and half a box of snack crackers that, unfortunately, a mouse had already eaten most of that half. Maybe instead of mocking Jim Bakker’s freeze-dried foodstuffs, if I had invested only a few dollars, Sean and I could have been enjoying four gallons of pinto beans throughout the storm.

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Pornography

This should be obvious, but for those that weren’t lucky enough to be trapped with their significant others for both their body heat and emotional warmth, it left those lonesome lunk-heads to rub their own fleshy kindling for, at the very least, a small flame. For the many masturbators that have gotten rid of their copies of High Society and Celebrity Skin for the supposed ease of self-diddling digital era, it was a sad few days as they tried to create sexual scenarios in those imagination dilapidated minds. A new stack of nudie mags is all you need to get that good night’s sleep and most adult stores sell them is affordable three-packs. Might I recommend Patricia’s?

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