Things Oklahomans Desperately Need for the Next Big Catastrophe

With electricity slowly returning to many Oklahoma City homes—I got mine back on Friday, after almost two weeks—I decided to take stock of both my emergency preparedness skills and my disaster supplies, only to sadly realize I had none, as I deftly displayed with this recent irritating ice-storm.

In a year that has been full of one terrible thing after another, from slight weather storms to angry Trumpers prowling the streets crying for the ballots to be recounted, I had to seriously ask myself: “What the Hell am I going to do when the next big catastrophe happens?”

I needed to get somewhat serious. Sure, I could lock myself in my rented room with my pup Sean and ride out the wave of probable terror or I could get somewhat pro-active and gather up the necessary items I basically should already have when the end—whatever end that may be—comes kicking in my door.

I decided on the latter.


This should be obvious, but I had no flashlights in the entire Goddamn house when the lights went out. Sure, I had a few decorative pumpkin spice candles that gave off a small bit of flickering light and made the house smell like a baking pie, but they ran out quickly and, even worse, the decorative glass-holders would burn my fingers when I tried to carry them anywhere.



This should be obvious, but when the electricity goes out I feel like I should have had a generator to fire up, selfishly being the only house on the block with a modicum of power as the loud gas-burning motor puffed noxious fumes into the shivering air. I should also admit that, as I went walking to survey the arboreal damage, when I heard those machines chugging away, I would stare into their living room windows like a Dickensian orphan.



This should be obvious, but if anything would have come in handy this disaster, it would have been a brand new chainsaw. I could have trimmed my trees as the ice began to form or, at the very least, cut up that fallen ones before they inflict more damage on the house and the wires connected to it. Plus it makes for graphic protection against the transient dudes that rode around my neighborhood, casing houses at three in the morning.


Driving Manuals

This should be obvious, especially if you have managed to attain a driver’s license in Oklahoma; when the stop-lights in the city go down, so do, apparently, people’s vehicular common sense. The makeshift stop signs at areas like, for example, NW 39th and N. May, were a constant source of four-wheeled follies as people were unsure who was next to move forward, causing all sort of cold weather fender-benders.


Freeze Dried Food

This should be obvious, because as I was throwing out various Lean Cuisines and other healthy meals, I quickly realized I was left with only a few tins of tuna and half a box of snack crackers that, unfortunately, a mouse had already eaten most of that half. Maybe instead of mocking Jim Bakker’s freeze-dried foodstuffs, if I had invested only a few dollars, Sean and I could have been enjoying four gallons of pinto beans throughout the storm.



This should be obvious, but for those that weren’t lucky enough to be trapped with their significant others for both their body heat and emotional warmth, it left those lonesome lunk-heads to rub their own fleshy kindling for, at the very least, a small flame. For the many masturbators that have gotten rid of their copies of High Society and Celebrity Skin for the supposed ease of self-diddling digital era, it was a sad few days as they tried to create sexual scenarios in those imagination dilapidated minds. A new stack of nudie mags is all you need to get that good night’s sleep and most adult stores sell them is affordable three-packs. Might I recommend Patricia’s?


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15 Responses

  1. We bought a generator in 2007 it was the best thing we ever bought. I won’t run everything but it runs enough we don’t have spoiled food and we can have cold beer and TV :-).

    1. I feel your pain. We bought a generator about ten years ago after a 13-day outage from a bad ice storm in Eastern Oklahoma. The wife insisted. I start it up about once a month to make sure that it’s ready, but we have never actually used it. Since “the big one,” we haven’t had an outage that lasted more than an hour or two. (Knock wood.) Not that I’m complaining.

      Based on what I hear from you folks out west, OG&E is much less responsive to their customers’ needs than our local electric co-op is. I have no idea why.

      You can buy all the dried pinto beans you want at your local grocery store, cook them on a Coleman stove, and spend a lot less than Jim Bakker charges. (How is he still on the air?)

      What the heck is the item in the “pornography” photo?

  2. Be careful when buying devices powered by a gasoline engine. If you use it once or twice then set it aside five years later it won’t run. Gasoline, like the Macarena has a short shelf life and will turn into a lacquer gumming up the works worse than Donald Trump. My emergency preparedness kit is identical to my Y2K Kit. An M-4 with 10,000 rounds of ammunition.

    1. Beto wants to have a word with you soon.

    2. You are correct. I always run the gas completely out of my generator when I am done with it, that is the best policy. One should never leave gasoline in a generator for any extended period of time. Since I made this standard operating procedure, when the power goes out, I just put fresh gas in it and it will fire up on the first or second pull every time. Since we are now having these catastrophic ice events every year now instead of snow storms, having a generator has become mandatory for residents of Oklahome.

  3. What I could have used, as I was trying to cook in the dark after chainsawing all day, is another one of those Bledsoe’s Amazing Dark Thought Eradicators. My old one had run its course, and I hadn’t bothered to order another one, before all this shit happened. I didn’t think I’d need one with the blue wave that was gonna wash everything clean, but no, no,…
    So I just sat there, and thought shit, with no dancing colored lights to divert me.
    I also couldn’t find my Hillary’s Free Range Baby Sauce. I had one rapidly thawing in the freezer, and not a drop of the stuff to flavor it. And the local “pizza” place was shuttered for days, so I couldn’t pick up more.

  4. We used our generator for a few things, like the refrigerator and 1 tv. I have a few long, large gauge extension cords and was able to share my power with my elderly neighbors. When you can share, the generator makes even more sense

    1. We shared ours with neighbors who were out longer than we were, then they shared it after theirs came back on. I think it is well worth the money.

  5. We have a built in generator that runs off natural gas, a commodity we have too much of. It worked like a charm but makes more noise than a rock concert.

    1. We are thinking of building a house, if we do we want to put one of those in. How much does it cost to run it? I’ve heard it is really expensive if you are out multiple days. Of course if it saves you losing food in your fridge and freezer it would offset any cost.

      1. Don’t really know, but natural gas would probably be less expensive than gasoline for a gasoline generator. And while you’re spending money on generator fuel, you’re saving money on your electric bill and on the gas that you would normally be using to heat your home.

  6. ‘angry Trumpers prowling the streets…’

    What a dumbass statement.

    1. Not at all. They ARE angry, and often armed.

      They have become convinced that the election was stolen. Wouldn’t you be angry if you believed nonsense like that?

    2. – remember seeing all the trumpers and Republicans protest and riot to the point of destroying personal property and desecrating the Murrah bombing memorial? It was nation-wide I think. They burned stuff and everything!!

      Yea. – me neither….

  7. Where was that picture taken? No wonder some people were without power for so long …

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