How to Have an Old-Fashioned Super-Spreader Thanksgiving!

To paraphrase the late Andy Warhol, in the future every Oklahoman will get their fifteen minutes of Covid.

As footage of the mile-long line of collegiate rotters outside of the terribly-named Logie’s in Norman hit social media last Friday—mere hours after our political leaders decided to take yet another limp stance against any real type of serious mandate—we all have to come to terms that, eventually, we’re all going to catch the virus and, if not die, at least suffer miserably.

But, as I’m sure your Conservative relatives will tell you repeatedly this Thanksgiving, the Covid hoax has a 99.8% recovery rate. With that line of thinking, like the pilgrims that murdered the Indigenous people that welcomed them, it’s going to take some tough love and tougher respiratory pain to get the point across that this virus is no laughing matter.

With Thanksgiving being called the “worst super-spreader event in human history”—at least until Christmas, that is—here in Oklahoma, no communist atheists are going to tell what holidays we can or can’t celebrate, so here’s a few tips quick and easy tips to make sure your Thanksgiving will be a cornucopia of viral blessings.


Lick All the Silverware

When setting the Thanksgiving table with gram-gram’s antique silverware, before you place each utensil on the perfectly folded cloth napkins, give each fork, spoon and knife a virtual bath with your wriggly tongue, allowing small pools of spittle to form underneath each shiny implement of turkey-based tableware.


Pre-Use All the Napkins

Speaking of napkins, make sure to give each one of those finely sewn serviettes a good blow, clearing out all of your reddened sinus caverns with a loud cough or two, passing the plague onto the next non-believer.


Invite College Students

This is a bit like using a super spreader cheat code, but it will work!

Breathe Heavy on the Mashed Potatoes

Ooh boy…those potatoes smell good, don’t they? You’ve worked hard peeling the taters, smashing them into a fine paste and then drowning them in butter; as you’re carrying them to the table, make sure to inhale deeply and then violently exhale all over them, allowing those killer germs a chance to feast as well.


Gargle with Gravy

We can’t forget about the gravy now, can we? Before you move that congealed brown potato-topper from the metal sauce pan to that porcelain gravy boat, take a couple of mouthfuls and gargle for thirty seconds with it, before spitting it back into the pot. Make sure to give it a slow stir so everyone gathered at the table gets an infectious kick of the kung flu.


Sneeze on the Turkey

Baste that time-tested turkey (or heathenish ham, if you prefer) with your copious mouth-juices by giving it a good Oklahoman sneeze that says “It’ll be God that brings me to heaven, not a virus!” As you carve into it and pass out the pinkish pieces of foul fowl, remember to tell everyone to savor it because at least half of them won’t be there for Christmas. Maybe they’ll be the 0.02% that, apparently, the Lord needs in the hereafter.


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38 Responses

  1. Just another joy of bachelorhood=Me and Marie for Thanksgiving dinner. Talking about a turkey pot pie.

    1. Been eyeing the new Arby’s Turkey wrap with cranberries. Buy 4 and you’ll have some leftovers!

  2. My understanding is that the virus doesn’t spread so much through food as through inhaling aerosols in the air that we breathe. So here are a few more tips to round out your Thanksgiving superspreader event.

    1) Speaking loudly and singing creates the aerosols, so if your gathering likes sing or discuss politics at the table, do it good and loud.

    2) Hold hands around the table while you say grace before the meal, especially with little kids there with runny noses who have been attending school in-person. Then rub your eyes.

    3) Your college kids of course, and anyone else who flew home on a packed airplane could be a big factor in your superspreading event, even if they got a negative test where they came from. We seem to be contagious well before we show any symptoms, and who knows who was sniffling and sneezing on that plane!

    4) Give Grandma a big hug and a sloppy kiss. A cold elbow bump won’t do for her.

    5) Don’t bother with those stupid masks. I know you can’t eat with a mask on, but masks are a pain in the butt for Uncle Buck when he gets loud.

  3. You could save all the trouble and take the family to the local megachurch mass dinner.

  4. Oh, c’mon now. If you’re going to accuse people of being anti-science, at least don’t indulge in that sin yourself. An undetermined percentage of us will get the virus, but not all are going to die or “suffer miserably”. Old people might very well suffer, and people with breathing problems and compromised immune systems. Weight is a serious complicating factor. But most others will not suffer miserably. Some will feel mild symptoms. Many others will feel nothing.
    I am not downplaying the risks; my wife’s 70 year old uncle just died of the virus. But these kind of statements are what give the no mask crowd the justification they need to cry fraud.
    In this country, all nuanced opinion in this or anything else seems to be getting pushed out the window.

    1. You write that most won’t suffer any long term complications, but your description of those who will represents 85% of Oklahomans.

    2. NDFI: You sound like you ARE downplaying the risks.

      The no-mask crowd doesn’t need any more excuse for crying fraud than their allegiance to some politicians and to the right-wing media clowns that they listen to. So don’t blame the rest of us for their stupidity.

      1. Enlighten me, please, on how I am downplaying the risk, when I am simply repeating what scientists tell us. How am I blaming the rest of us?
        Sometimes, Mr. G., you just spout nonsense. I am just saying keep to the facts. You seem to be saying to ignore them. Yes, the no-mask crowd is deeply illogical. Why should the rest of us join them in shutting down our capacity for rational thought?

        1. Although most of us may not suffer horribly, have permanent health damage, or die if we catch the virus, some of us will. And those who suffer and die will include many with no risk factors like age, obesity, diabetes, COPD etc. And those with risk factors make up a high percentage of Oklahomans, as Thompson pointed out.

          It SOUNDS like you were suggesting that it’s OK to roll the dice with your own health and that of your Thanksgiving companions and not worry so much. What did I miss?

          1. What you missed was what I wrote, apparently. If you have trouble with what I wrote, you have trouble with what Fauci and any of the other professionals who study this disease have said. What exaggerate the risks, as Louis did, when the reality is frightening enough?
            What is really puzzling is that your first sentence shows that you agree with what I wrote. So what is the issue? Thompson’s 85% number was pulled out of thin air.
            NOTHING I wrote SOUNDS like I was suggesting any thing like what you said. Quit being dishonest. That is the job of the other side in this matter.

            1. I feel like I’ve just lived through some updated version of Animal Farm. First, Louis makes a completely false, ridiculous claim about how we’re all going to die or suffer miserably from covid. I point this out, repeating everything that we know so far about its effect on the population, and then get attacked by Mr G because he thinks it SOUNDS like I’m suggesting that I “roll the dice” with my health and the people I know – an ugly attack. He says this after stating essentially the same point that I did. One plus one equals three.
              This is Soviet apparatchik kind of logic, and Graychin should be ashamed of himself. A “high percentage” of Oklahomans are not going to die or suffer horribly from this, unless by “high percentage” he means something in the single digits. Let’s say that Mr G and Thompson are asserting that only 10 % of Oklahomans will die or suffer horribly from this virus. That would mean that something like 400,000 Okies will die or suffer horribly. Anybody other than Mr. G believe that? Our state department of health says that, of those infected, 80% have no or mild symptoms. So far, 1600 people have died – a “high percentage” of those being in nursing homes.
              The fact that most people will have no symptoms whatsoever is exactly the reason why this virus has spread so fast and far – asymptomatic transmission. If it caused death or horrible suffering in all or most of the people it infected it would not be so hard to convince people that they need to take it seriously.
              I am reminded of the anti-drug talk we used to hear back in the 70’s that tried to convince us that even one puff of weed was going to send you irrevocably down the path to heroin. Young people knew this was nonsense, and so disregarded the whole message.
              I expect this kind of bullshit from someone like Auntie. I would have hoped that Mr G’s standards would have been somewhat higher, but I think his devotion to his beliefs trumps simple truth.
              I wear a mask everywhere in public. I do not attend social gatherings. I care for the people around me.
              I also am partial to the truth.

    3. I can make so many jokes at Louis’ expense, but he makes enough of a fool out of himself when he tries to sound like he knows what he’s talking about already.

      Looks like it’s not a nice day for getting the “likes” on here for you today.

      1. Auntie was actually on your side, nice day. Too bad you can’t appreciate her enough.

  5. I’m still trying to figure out how a nation of people who managed to survive a civil war, a horrible depression, the near-destruction of everything in the Cuba Missile Crisis, and who managed to win WW2 (along with the Soviets, let’s not forget them) and actually figured out a way to put human beings on the goddamned MOON (!) in 1969 (!) find it impossible to figure out that social distancing and wearing masks really DOES contribute enormously to reducing death and illness caused by the virus.

    I mean, no bullshit, no dispute, no questions about it: that shit WORKS.

    But, nah. Wearing a mask is “hard” and it makes people “look stupid.” Evidently in a way that actually stupidity doesn’t, I guess.

    Well, fuck it. Maybe this virus is the reset we’ve needed for decades. Humanity version 2.0 is long overdue.

    1. Drink some tea and relax, skiffy. You guys in Europe got it all figured out, no?

  6. Here’s the thing – the people that overcame the things you listed are dead or very close to death. Their children, the Boomers, were entitled and reaped the benefits of what their parents overcame. The Boomers never bothered to look out for future generations or try to “pay it forward” like their parents did. They’ve been consuming and decimating everything in sight for themselves for the majority of their lives. Look at our current leadership. Unfortunately they can’t die soon enough, even with a pandemic.

    1. That’s a gross and incorrect negative generalization about Boomers, of which I am one.

      It’s like saying that members of a particular ethnicity are rapists and murderers, although some must be fine people.

      1. It makes me think there is a pro purge lobby.

      2. Damn it – here I am agreeing with gray again!

        Thompson- wishing death upon your fellow Americans is pretty shitty man.

        1. So who are the older folks that I see in this state that claim wearing a mask is an infringement on their “freedums” and the virus is “a hoax”?

          Who are the people that represent us in government that cashed out of the stock market shortly before its precipitous drop and who were in an intelligent briefing about Covid19 and the implications it could have on the nation? Oh and somehow no fault was found on what they did.

          Who is currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and is continually spouting false allegations that the election is rigged among other things in an attempt to de-legitimatize democracy as we know it?

          Also, I didn’t wish death on a whole generation of people. Just the ones that took the prosperity that was handed to them to nurture, scorched the earth for their own selfishness, and did nothing in kind to those who followed them.

          1. “Who is currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and is continually spouting false allegations that the election is rigged among other things in an attempt to de-legitimatize democracy as we know it?”

            Still nowhere near the level of Russian collusion delusion that some people believe to this day.

            1. Michael Flynn.

            2. Yes, a great General.

          2. It’s obvious you don’t get out much. It isn’t boomers at all the watering holes in the Plaza or off of 10th. Nor is it boomers on campus corner in Norman or the joints in Stillwater

            1. But it was GEN X and Boomers at Bedlam.

      3. I’m sure those ms-13 guys, that quote was about, are some fine lads.

        1. Was replying to Mrs. Graychins above.

      4. -“There’s good people on both sides”-said somebody, I don’t remember.

        When it comes to boomers, there’s the early boomers & the late. I happen to be part of the late, born early 60’s. Seems us late ones are always getting the scraps left by the early ones and still dealing with their crap, i.e., trump supporters on bikes. I’m generalizing, but that seems to be what everyone does these days. Good & bad folks are everywhere but the minute we start putting labels on whole groups of folks we get into the weeds. Everyone should look in the mirror and take stock of their own actions- where a fricking mask when you go to Wal Mart and stay home for Thanksgiving. Sorry for the muse, but it’s a Monday.

        1. Mark, “fine people on both sides” had been debunked as well, tho dementia Joe can’t seem to get the message, still.

          1. Debunked?

            Is the video of that a deep fake?

            1. The context in which you and sleepy Joe use it in.

    2. Pretty broad statement about millions of good people. They didn’t all vote for trump.

  7. Skip the family Thanksgiving this year. You can bore, be bored by and insult relatives without being the the same house with them.

  8. Wherever you are and whatever you eat this Thursday, quit feeding the trolls.

    1. Amen, brother!

    2. TLM!

  9. Clever Auntie.

    What Proud Boys emblem are you sporting these days.

    1. Auntie does not believe in symbols. What’s wrong with the proud boys, by the way?

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