To paraphrase the late Andy Warhol, in the future every Oklahoman will get their fifteen minutes of Covid.
As footage of the mile-long line of collegiate rotters outside of the terribly-named Logie’s in Norman hit social media last Friday—mere hours after our political leaders decided to take yet another limp stance against any real type of serious mandate—we all have to come to terms that, eventually, we’re all going to catch the virus and, if not die, at least suffer miserably.
But, as I’m sure your Conservative relatives will tell you repeatedly this Thanksgiving, the Covid hoax has a 99.8% recovery rate. With that line of thinking, like the pilgrims that murdered the Indigenous people that welcomed them, it’s going to take some tough love and tougher respiratory pain to get the point across that this virus is no laughing matter.
With Thanksgiving being called the “worst super-spreader event in human history”—at least until Christmas, that is—here in Oklahoma, no communist atheists are going to tell what holidays we can or can’t celebrate, so here’s a few tips quick and easy tips to make sure your Thanksgiving will be a cornucopia of viral blessings.
Lick All the Silverware
When setting the Thanksgiving table with gram-gram’s antique silverware, before you place each utensil on the perfectly folded cloth napkins, give each fork, spoon and knife a virtual bath with your wriggly tongue, allowing small pools of spittle to form underneath each shiny implement of turkey-based tableware.
Pre-Use All the Napkins
Speaking of napkins, make sure to give each one of those finely sewn serviettes a good blow, clearing out all of your reddened sinus caverns with a loud cough or two, passing the plague onto the next non-believer.
Invite College Students
This is a bit like using a super spreader cheat code, but it will work!
Breathe Heavy on the Mashed Potatoes
Ooh boy…those potatoes smell good, don’t they? You’ve worked hard peeling the taters, smashing them into a fine paste and then drowning them in butter; as you’re carrying them to the table, make sure to inhale deeply and then violently exhale all over them, allowing those killer germs a chance to feast as well.
Gargle with Gravy
We can’t forget about the gravy now, can we? Before you move that congealed brown potato-topper from the metal sauce pan to that porcelain gravy boat, take a couple of mouthfuls and gargle for thirty seconds with it, before spitting it back into the pot. Make sure to give it a slow stir so everyone gathered at the table gets an infectious kick of the kung flu.
Sneeze on the Turkey
Baste that time-tested turkey (or heathenish ham, if you prefer) with your copious mouth-juices by giving it a good Oklahoman sneeze that says “It’ll be God that brings me to heaven, not a virus!” As you carve into it and pass out the pinkish pieces of foul fowl, remember to tell everyone to savor it because at least half of them won’t be there for Christmas. Maybe they’ll be the 0.02% that, apparently, the Lord needs in the hereafter.
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