I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not sick (no pun intended) of talking about the pandemic yet. It’s fun living in a hellscape where we’ve been seeing people get seriously ill, die, and pile up by the hundreds of thousands!
As you’ve surely heard, Kevin Stitt has announced that tomorrow, December 3rd, will be a day of prayer and fasting across the state for people affected by the Coronavirus pandemic. As our obesity rankings show, fasting may be a new concept to many Oklahomans, so I thought I’d share some tips on how to get through it and not cheat…
Sample every drink from Sonic
I’m honestly not sure what the rules are for fasting, but you’re allowed to drink sugar water, right? If so, stop by Sonic for Happy Hour and start with the Water-family of slushes (Ocean, Swamp, etc) and then transition to Limeades before finally going with traditional soft drinks with vanilla flavoring. When you’re done, leave the the carhop whatever change is in your cupholder, and then just drive away to vomit.
Think about the Fundraiser Buffet
This Saturday, Oklahoma Republicans will be hosting a super-spreader event to raise money for Republicans in Georgia. If you can hold out for a few days, your empty belly and fat wallet can spend $5000 and feast upon dry, room temperature sliced brisket from Swadley’s that is served out of an aluminum catering tray.
Don’t Binge-Watch TV
I don’t know what fasting entails, but spending six hours crushing through HBO dramas sounds like something Jesus and COVID would not like. Take some time off and read the bible by candlelight. Flip through the pages, pray a little prayer, fall asleep, and the next day you can begin The Baby Yoda Show again.
If we’re all gonna fast to kill this virus in one single day, it is essential that we power up the day before. Drink up a few gallons of Holy Norman Tap Water that has been consecrated by a priest, and balance it with bonded whiskey if you plan on sleeping through the day. Whatever your fluid of choice is, knock it back the night before.
No Hospital Food Allowed!
Looking at the numbers, there’s a good chance you or a loved one you might never see again could be at the hospital this week, waiting in line for a respirator. Remind them that they need to take one for the team, turn down the Jello, and join our holy fast to defeat the virus that they’re dying from