Over the weekend, we received a flood of reports that Monty Marcum – one of the privileged guys who inherited Marcum’s Nursery from his parents – was an enthusiastic attendee of last week’s big Overthrow American Democracy rally in DC. Here’s a pic:
The news has taken off on social media, leading to hundreds, if not thousands, of anti-insurrectionists, leaving negative reviews on social media, and claiming they’ll be purchasing petunias from a more-sane, less revolutionary plant shop.
That being said, I’d like to reach out with an olive branch of sorts and freely offer my services in renaming and rebranding some of his bestsellers to fit his recently ill-advised outing as a flag-worshipping son of the old red, white and blue, free of charge, of course. As a matter of fact, here’s a few I’ve already came up with…
The Manly Maple
What do you see when you look at a maple tree? If you’re a homosexually-inclined liberal like me, you’d probably see a large brown penis. But if you’re a manly man like Monty, you’re well aware that it’s time to take that thick tree’s manhood back by making sure that every maple sold is planted, grown, and bought by only right-wing men, as many trees really should be.
The Racial Redbud
It might be the official race tree of Oklahoma—the Redbud Classic is a foot-race that I failed miserably at in the early 90s, but what didn’t I screw up back then?—but how about making it the official racial tree of the sooner state? Plant a few redbuds in the front yards of well-meaning white-separatists and watch their property values go up, up, up and the minorities leave, leave, leave!
The Courageous Cedar
Throughout his relatively short political career, few politicians have broken through to the most deserving people in a way that President Trump has, with many citizens going as far as reclaiming lecterns and taking back chairs from the very people that stole them from us. Commemorate that moment of patriotic liberation with a brave cedar sapling in your backyard!
The Raw-Dog Rose
After a sexually neutered eight years with Obummer, it was exciting—literally—to have a macho president that was physically able to have locked and loaded intercourse with some of the most beautiful women of the world, many of them even Playboy gals. That’s why, for your own illicit lover, you need to get them a raw-dog rose bush, to let them know your true feelings of intimacy or lack thereof.
The Satanic Shrub
Not everyone that shops at Marcum’s is a chosen messenger of a white god, so for those that err on the side of the dark one, we have the perfect heathen shrubbery for you and your demonic front yard to slovenly worship.
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