A Few Ways Joe Exotic Can Kill Time in Prison…

As the limousine waited outside of the Fort Worth prison where he is currently incarcerated, I’m sure that the collective energy was as high as a mobile home furry orgy as Joe Exotic waited for his requested Presidential pardon.

It never came—so, I guess, just before he left the White House, Donald Trump did one good thing in his presidency.

Of course, Exotic—better known as Joe Maldonado-Passage to law enforcement officials—was upset when word got back to him, acting all anti-Baskin on social media. Here’s what came from his still-intact Twitter that afternoon:

So while it appears that Exotic will probably be forced to do the rest of his 20-something sentence in a human cage—if he makes it that long, natch—I came up with a small list of activities that will give him what he so richly craves from behind the iron bars of justice: attention and fame…


Do a Few Tiger Paintings!

When George W. Bush left office, he was a despised president that only a right-leaning mother could love but probably shouldn’t. However, once he went on a late-night talk-show to broadcast his various paintings of dogs and such, he became a much-loved former president that we all suddenly missed. Imagine what tiger paintings you could craft in your cell with all that spare time…and the newfound fame as an artist that it could totally bring you!


Write Your Autobiography!

I know that I’m not alone when I say I’d like to read the inside story—the true story—of how a kid named Joe Maldonado became a sexy dude known as Joe Exotic. From your penniless birth to your rise as the literal king of the tigers, to your downfall as a prisoner in the Fort Worth area and your feline eyes to the future, we can finally get the story that we’re all dying to hear. But, to be fair, I’d even buy a chapbook of poems about Carole Baskin.


Plan the Tiger King 2.0 Amusement Park!

Some of fictional society’s most hardened criminals—like Lex Luthor, for example—have spent years in prisons trying to figure out a way to get back at the most powerful man on the planet…surely you can do that to take care of just a few trashy humans, right? What better way than to open, under the guise of a reformed businessman, the Tiger King 2.0 Amusement Park! Bigger tigers, bigger claws…and bigger danger!


Start the Notorious Tiger Gang!

Twenty years is a long time to live in a prison atmosphere. Instead of constantly looking for a way out like a scared mouse, how about you use some of that feline penile power and start running that prison like the man we know you are. Gather together a multicultural group of believers, pen a few tiger-striped tattoos on their chest for gang affiliation and, within six months, the prison-yard is yours, son. Pass the toilet wine!


Get Ready for the 2044 Presidential Election!

Trump has let you down, right? Make up for it by announcing your upcoming bid for the United States Presidency upon your exit from that stinking hell. Sure, you probably won’t be allowed to run due to your imprisonment, but you’ve never let the law–or Carole Baskin–stop you before!


Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

Check out our Lost Ogle Podcast with Tiger King’s Josh Dial below…

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13 Responses

  1. Poor Joe Exotic. Now stuck in a cage and will have to chase tigers in prison. I’m sure he’ll find his way to a satisfying life despite the 20 years locked up.

  2. Joe expected a pardon? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! He really thought Trump would free him? No way! The Donald crushes any television reality star who wants to muscle in on his territory.

  3. This isn’t right! I fully expected Trump to pardon Joe. Don Jr. even wanted Joe pardoned, apparently. Shows what Don Sr. thinks of Don Jr. Maybe if a full-breasted Kardashian had taken up Joe’s cause…

    Joe is much more deserving than some of creeps that got pardoned. Corrupt congressmen? Steve Bannon? Joe “Show me you papers” Arpaio? The war criminals?

    On the other hand, Joe may still constitute a threat society. Especially to that b**** Carole Baskin.

  4. The only good thing Trump did was keep Joe Neurotic in the joint instead of pardoning him.

  5. On a brighter note, Joe likely eats healthier in prison than Lou does on the outside.

  6. Joe, you tried to have someone murdered. Suck it up, buttercup.

  7. “mobile home furry orgy”. Priceless!!

  8. Keep Joe locked up in prison for the rest of his life. No reason for him to be freed

    1. You’re answering the wrong question. What reason is the to keep him locked up?

      It costs the taxpayers money to keep him in jail. Is he a further threat to society? Yes he’s disgusting, but parole could keep him away from resuming his career in big cats. Less deserving persons than Joe have been punished inadequately for their crimes.

      You sound like a “no” vote on Oklahoma’s attempts at criminal justice reform.

      1. Graychin,

        It’s called “deterrence”. You can look it up.

        Is he a further threat to society? You might ask Carole Baskin, who will always look over her shoulder. Two counts of murder-for-hire alone warrant a long prison sentence but he was also convicted of eight counts of violating the Lacey Act for falsifying wildlife records and nine counts of violating the Endangered Species Act. The dude killed five tigers to make space for other animals; I wouldn’t worry about him getting back into the big cat business.

        While his actions may not fit the technical definition of violent crimes, I’m not comfortable letting this animal out of his cage.

        1. Look this up, Titz:

          Oklahoma locks up more people that almost anyone, for longer than almost anyone. Yet Oklahoma’s crime rate is still as high as anyone’s. Why isn’t it lower?

          How is that “deterrent” working out for us.

          1. Well, Oklahoma didn’t lock up Joe Exotic, he’s in Federal Prison. I looked it up.

  9. There is only one real deterrent that should be reserved for murders, child molesters, pedophiles and other monsters and it includes high voltage.
    Everything else about prison is just a training ground to make minor criminals into major criminals.
    I don’t have much sympathy for criminals of any sort.

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